Freshman Still Freshman

very freshman

CHAPEL HILL, NC–Sources close to Jack Brennan, class of 2018, confirm that despite his first semester at Carolina, the freshman is still a freshman.

Brennan spent much of winter break telling his family about the great places he had discovered on Franklin Street, like Buns, Artisan Pizza Kitchen, and Chipotle.

“I feel like I know Franklin Street pretty well,” Brennan said. “certainly better than Ram’s Head.”

His acquaintances were more skeptical. “I doubt he’s ever been farther down Franklin Street than Toppers,” commented Samantha Carr, his editor at the Daily Tar Heel’s City Desk, “I mean, he still eats at Ram’s Head.”

Brennan brought back a Chance the Rapper poster that he asked for after he was introduced to the artist last fall, but he chose to leave his Sports Illustrated and Bob Marley posters where he had hung them in August. Brennan claims to be a “big fan” of “I shot the Sherriff” and “Buffalo Soldier.”

In preparation for spring rush, Brennan has thrown out all of his cargo shorts, but he continues to draw from his extensive Abercrombie and American Eagle collections.

“My fashion sense has gotten a lot better since I go to college,” Brennan said, sporting his brand new Sperry’s, “I didn’t realize how badly I dressed until I came to college.”

Brennan plans to rush a variety of fraternities, but he is especially excited about Sigma Phi Epsilon, Pi Kappa Alpha, and Phi Sigma Pi, the co-ed honors fraternity. Brennan declined to explain his preferences.

After a less than stellar semester academically, Brennan promised his parents that he will “study harder” this semester, explaining that college was “an adjustment.”

“I made a lot of mistakes last year, just trying to get to know everything,” said Brennan while walking his schedule the day before class, “but, I’ve pretty much got a grip on college at this point.”

Brennan spent most of last semester half-hearted studying in his dorm room for a few hours each day before smoking a bowl in the Ehringhaus woods. He plans to spend more time this semester “in the library,” by which he means the Undergraduate Library, the only library he has visited.

Brennan is optimistic about this semester, though he worries that his decision to hook up with his high school girlfriend over break will complicate things with the girl on his hall he likes. He is also looking for a 5th and 6th friend so they can apply for a Morrison super-suite.

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