by Backward Hat | The Minor

Yo.

Yo, dude.

Why the fuck are we in Davis? Let’s bounce from here. People know I don’t fuck with the library.

I’m a backward hat, dog. I don’t read, I crush vag.

What’s that you’re looking at? “The Collected Works of Kenneth J. Arrow.”

Kenneth J. Arrow can eat me, bro. Can’t you just get a pledge to read that?

I feel like you’re ignoring me. Well hey, fuck you, nerd. I never liked you anyway.

Lets back up. When should you be wearing a backward hat? DJing a rave, like, getting people hot and sweaty on their molly trips? No doubt. Tearing it up at a skatepark? Absolutely–at least you’re not wearing a helmet. Playing cornhole shirtless on your frat’s front lawn, taking in the MILFs on their way to the football game? I’m all about that shit.

What about the library?

The library?

Newsflash, brainiac: la biblioteca ain’t built to contain a wild-ass piece of headgear like yours truly. I’m backward, bro. I’m against the normal way you would wear a hat. I’M BEYOND THIS BASIC LIBRARY SHIT!

Comprende?

If I had arms I’d give you a swirly.

Do you think you can wear me just fucking anywhere? If you strap me on, you need to be ready to party. Right now for instance. You should be out there flipping go-karts. Or fingering some chick.

Let’s go slug some Four Lokos and do doughnuts in that empty parking lot off Rosemary. Let’s get high and listen to Dark Side all the way through. Let’s do fucking something other than sit here, pooned out in a Davis cubicle like a bunch of limp cocks.

Would it kill you to procrastinate a little, at least? I know this Dane Cook video that’s fucking great. Dude, c’mon, let me see if I can find it.

What? I don’t care about your test. You don’t have time for one YouTube video?

You’ve changed, man. You’re such a fucking nerd, I–no, what are you doing? Don’t–don’t turn me around forward! I’m serious, asshole, I–

Hmm. That last passage actually looked pretty interesting. You should bring that up in class.

SIAYA COUNTY, KENYA—Looking at the ground to conceal her disappointment, Doda, an impoverished villager in Saiya County, Kenya, accepted the surplus Kappa Kappa Gamma bid day shirt given to her by volunteers from the University of North Carolina’s Panhellenic Council earlier this week.

“I wanted the green one,” Doda said, referring to the Kappa Delta shirt she saw in the distribution box. “But they told me I was more of a ‘KKG person.’ They just met me and I told them I liked green. Why are they doing it this way?”

The Panhellenic Council’s philanthropic shirt distribution was started in 2011 to make good use of the roughly 2000 extra shirts produced by each year’s sorority bid day celebration.

This year, five young women representing the Panhellenic Council landed in a rural Kenyan village with several large crates of shirts. As they opened the boxes, villagers began to grab the assorted garments inside.

“No, no, no, wait, no,” said Grace Malter, the council’s Vice President of Philanthropy, snatching shirts from those who had already grabbed them and motioning for the crowd to stay back.

“We can’t just give these out willy nilly,” she said to the villagers. “Certain shirts ‘fit’ people better than others, and we need to get to know you to see which shirts will ‘fit’ each of you best.”

The Panhellenic Council’s delegates isolated the village’s women for the next week, determining whom would receive which shirts through a series of events and interviews. Malter said that she and the other volunteers judged would-be shirt recipients on character, personality, and the “cuteness” of their traditional Kanga body wraps.

“We asked them some questions that were serious and some that were fun,” Malter said.

“If I were to raid your closet, what’s the one thing you would never let me steal?” she was overheard asking one woman during an interview.

“I thought you were giving us shirts,” the interviewee responded. “Please do not take my clothes.”

Julia Anderson, another Panhellenic representative on the trip, said that, by the end of the week, it was clear which shirt would be right for each woman.

“The thing is, you can just tell,” Anderson said. “I mean, I knew from the start that Adhara was probably going to get a KD shirt. She’s just like that. And, duh, Basma was totally getting the AXO one. But, unfortunately, sometimes it is up in the air and people don’t necessarily get their first choice.”

Holding the Kappa Kappa Gamma shirt she was ultimately presented, Doda was among those who were somewhat let down.

“Of course I am grateful for whatever shirt I am given,” she said. “But I don’t know why I could not just have the one I requested. I liked the color and it had sleeves.”

Asked, since the process of shirt distribution was so similar to sorority rush, whether recipients would be considered members of the sororities represented by their respective shirts, Malter hesitated.

“Um, not exactly,” she said. “I mean, they’re not white.”

After extensive data collection over the first three weeks of school, The Minor can now release a full report on Jerry’s masturbatory tendencies in his Morrison super suite. Important findings are summarized below:

• Jerry frequently masturbates in the sink, in his roommate’s bed, on the exercise bike in the common room, and at his Casio keyboard while playing “chopsticks” in trumpet mode with his left hand.
• He masturbates most commonly with his backpack on, right in front of the door, before he leaves for class in the the morning.
• Jerry’s desk is a masturbation-free zone.

CHAPEL HILL, NC—Speaking to reporters in his office, Ryan Trefler, the director of the Office of Fraternity & Sorority Life (OFSL), announced today his office’s clearest implication that hazing is still allowed among Greek organizations at UNC-Chapel Hill.

“It’s important that we not stop dancing around this issue,” said Trefler. “Simply put, we are announcing today that, like, maybe hazing isn’t that bad, and—well, I don’t know—if you decided to haze maybe we just wouldn’t find out. So just don’t let us find out.”

Sources close to OFSL said the announcement has been coming for weeks.

Many suspected the announcement after the end of last semester’s rush, when Trefler brought all IFC presidents into his office for a discussion about pledging where he said he would set the record on hazing straightish. Before opening the meeting to questions, he told the fraternity presidents that each time he looked out the window, “that doesn’t mean anything, but it means whatever you want it to mean, got it?”

Members of the OFSL emphasized, however, that the announcement does not amount to their  explicit approval of hazing.

“Do you remember when your R.A. freshmen year discussed drinking on campus?” asked Trip Felgue, director of media relations for the OFSL. “Pretty much, it’s just like that.”

Felgue, who has worked with the office for two years, stated that the OFSL will continue to uphold the values of Greek life on campus, “so take that to mean what you will.

“There are important traditions that define us as members of the Greek system at UNC-Chapel Hill,” he said. “And as long as you don’t bring in a video tape of you hazing, we are pretty much down to not question any of them.”

IFC President Chase Yuzen said the clear implication of the OFSL has long been needed.

“Nothing has helped me lead people more than not being treated like one for eight weeks,” said Yuzen of his own experience with hazing. “I’m glad someone is finally speaking the truth.”

by Hester Maples | The Minor

From the outside, Qdoba Mexican Grill, located on the corner of Columbia and Franklin Street, doesn’t look like much. The faded, hand-painted sign with the name of the restaurant, the hours amateurishly taped to the door, and the wooden benches, which look less like outside dining and more like surplus from a county park, all contribute to Qdoba’s homey feel. But the same unassuming aura which permeates the façade is an essential element of Qdoba’s home-cooked magic.

I visited Qdoba Saturday afternoon with my husband, Jack, and our longtime friends Phil and Anna. A plain sign asked us to seat ourselves, but no sooner had we done so than one of Qdoba’s amazing wait staff approached our table with four sets of silverware wrapped in checkered napkins and asked us in the sweetest, most syrupy of Southern drawls whether or not she could get us started with some drinks.

I had Qdoba’s famous iced tea. So sweet your teeth tingle after the first sip, there’s no doubt that this is the genuine article. In this Southern kitchen, tea is always cold and always filled with sugar. You won’t go wrong with their Arnold Palmer either, as they prepare their lemonade fresh every morning. We were all thirsty on a late August afternoon, but Qdoba never kept us waiting. I don’t think my drink was ever less than half full. I can’t image a truer embodiment of Southern hospitality than Chapel Hill’s very own Qdoba.

If the drinks were good, the food was even better. Jack, Phil, Anna, and I decided to take advantage of Qdoba’s classic family-style dining experience. We got an enormous bowl filled to the brim with North Carolina pulled pork barbecue (Eastern style, of course!), a plate stacked high with some of the crispiest, most tender fried chicken I have ever tasted, a starter of Brunswick stew, and sides of hushpuppies, collard greens, fried okra, and good ol’ fashioned mac-‘n’-cheese. And the best part was that refills on everything were included!

After an hour-long feeding frenzy, when our forks could no longer bring another delicious bite of pulled pork or succulent piece of chicken to our mouths, we got the best treat of the night: a visit from Momma Qdoba herself!

Wearing one of her traditional gingham dresses and looking much too jolly for her many years, Momma Qdoba sat down beside us, her wrinkles creasing like tiny echoes of her mile-wide smile. She asked about our days, our families, our children (Jack’s and my first just turned two), making us feel like old friends stopping by for a visit rather than first time customers at a business that has been a Chapel Hill landmark for more than forty years.

Only after fifteen minutes of easy conversation did she ask us about the food. Our exuberant praise brought tears of laughter to Momma Qdoba’s face, as if she had never heard someone make so much fuss about something as simple as a good plate of hushpuppies. She even gave us a slice of her famous peach cobbler to bring home to the little guy.

If you want good Southern cooking in a welcoming atmosphere, you can’t do better than Qdoba’s on Franklin Street. Momma Qdoba and her team of talented cooks have earned their reputation. If you can’t make it to Chapel Hill, however, there’s no need to despair. Momma Qdoba’s thriving business is expanding. As of 2014, she has 600 locations nationwide.

CHAPEL HILL, NC—According to gruesome reports coming from Campus Health officials, the process of quarantining South Campus has begun after a massive outbreak of Carolina Fever.

The disease, currently experiencing its largest outbreak in history, has no cure and is spreading quickly from urban hotspots like Hinton James to rural dorms like Hardin and Hinton.

“We’ve seen some cases of Carolina Fever in the past, especially on South Campus where barriers to entry are so low,” said Trevor Grent, a doctor specializing in communicable diseases. “However, nothing has prepared the global health community for an outbreak of this size. Health officials have no other solution than to simply contain this deadly fever and quarantine the area.”

The origin of the outbreak is still somewhat unknown, but the first reported case came from freshman Ian Landers, who began showing symptoms during last Friday’s soccer game.

“Practically his whole body was covered in this light blue color, and he started babbling incoherently and waving his arms in the air,” said witness Bridget Trummel. “The next thing I knew, he had grabbed me by the shoulders, screaming the Carolina fight song as he shook me from side to side. He was totally consumed by the fever.”

Landers suite in Hinton James was quarantined as soon as Campus Health officials caught word of the outbreak. By the next morning, all of Hinton James was sealed off from the rest of campus.

Though the quarantine appears so far to be effective, social norms within South Campus have been changing rapidly, fueled by alcohol, the desperation of the infected, and attempted escapes by uninfected individuals.

“Inside [Hinton James], the situation is rapidly devolving into a primitive martial system based on something chillingly referred to as ‘Fever points,'” said campus health official Charles Tagnee.

While the outbreak has plagued most of South Campus, some communities have remained unharmed.

“Ram’s Village and Odum Village seem to somehow be avoiding the outbreak entirely, as their neighboring communities are scourged,” said Grent. “We are not yet sure why this is occurring, but some have hypothesized that, because they are all athletes, these communities may have a natural immunity to the disease.”

Campus health officials have suggested suspending all athletic events in order to combat Carolina Fever, but there are still concerns over the effects of detaining those wracked by the disease. For the moment, officials advise all students to stay aware and report fever-like symptoms.

“If you find yourself blindly believing that Carolina athletics are worth devoting all your time to, get yourself checked out,” said Department of Public Health representative Samuel Franklin. “We’ve found that freshmen are particularly susceptible to [Carolina] Fever, as are Exercise and Sport Science majors.”

Pre-health upperclassman have begun organizing teams to go into the infected area and aid in any way possible.

“We know we can do so much to help these people,” said Christina Stafford, a pre-health and psychology major. “And yes, it doesn’t hurt the resume to be doing volunteer work in such an impoverished area.”

Stafford says that the outbreak could have been easily contained if South Campus had the proper facilities.

“It’s just impossible to contain any outbreak of [Carolina] Fever in this area,” said Stafford. “What are these kids going to do? They don’t know it is a waste. They don’t know about all the legitimate opportunities on campus to be actively involved. They don’t have anything else to do but go to sporting events. These are mainly freshmen! They need our help.”

Fortunately, officials say, no cases of Carolina Fever have advanced to the stage of Tar Heel Madness, an advanced and often fatal catatonic state punctuated by organ failure, internal bleeding, and hallucinations in which the UNC football team manages to win an ACC championship.

Representative Franklin has assured Chapel Hill residents that, if the quarantine is enforced, the worst may already over. But despite containment efforts, reports of manic school spirit have been made as far north as Carmichael. The fever, however, has yet to cross to North Campus.

“I’m not worried about catching that shit,” said junior and Connor resident Chuck Walters. “It’s all the way across South Road. It might as well be in West Africa or something.”