by Backward Hat | The Minor

Yo.

Yo, dude.

Why the fuck are we in Davis? Let’s bounce from here. People know I don’t fuck with the library.

I’m a backward hat, dog. I don’t read, I crush vag.

What’s that you’re looking at? “The Collected Works of Kenneth J. Arrow.”

Kenneth J. Arrow can eat me, bro. Can’t you just get a pledge to read that?

I feel like you’re ignoring me. Well hey, fuck you, nerd. I never liked you anyway.

Lets back up. When should you be wearing a backward hat? DJing a rave, like, getting people hot and sweaty on their molly trips? No doubt. Tearing it up at a skatepark? Absolutely–at least you’re not wearing a helmet. Playing cornhole shirtless on your frat’s front lawn, taking in the MILFs on their way to the football game? I’m all about that shit.

What about the library?

The library?

Newsflash, brainiac: la biblioteca ain’t built to contain a wild-ass piece of headgear like yours truly. I’m backward, bro. I’m against the normal way you would wear a hat. I’M BEYOND THIS BASIC LIBRARY SHIT!

Comprende?

If I had arms I’d give you a swirly.

Do you think you can wear me just fucking anywhere? If you strap me on, you need to be ready to party. Right now for instance. You should be out there flipping go-karts. Or fingering some chick.

Let’s go slug some Four Lokos and do doughnuts in that empty parking lot off Rosemary. Let’s get high and listen to Dark Side all the way through. Let’s do fucking something other than sit here, pooned out in a Davis cubicle like a bunch of limp cocks.

Would it kill you to procrastinate a little, at least? I know this Dane Cook video that’s fucking great. Dude, c’mon, let me see if I can find it.

What? I don’t care about your test. You don’t have time for one YouTube video?

You’ve changed, man. You’re such a fucking nerd, I–no, what are you doing? Don’t–don’t turn me around forward! I’m serious, asshole, I–

Hmm. That last passage actually looked pretty interesting. You should bring that up in class.