After extensive data collection over the first three weeks of school, The Minor can now release a full report on Jerry’s masturbatory tendencies in his Morrison super suite. Important findings are summarized below:

• Jerry frequently masturbates in the sink, in his roommate’s bed, on the exercise bike in the common room, and at his Casio keyboard while playing “chopsticks” in trumpet mode with his left hand.
• He masturbates most commonly with his backpack on, right in front of the door, before he leaves for class in the the morning.
• Jerry’s desk is a masturbation-free zone.