Asshole Dave

CHAPEL HILL, NC –After what has been a harmless and relatively quiet April Fools’ Day so far, sources are reporting that you know your asshole suitemate Dave Childress still has some fucking bullshit up his sleeve.

An “absolute legend” at pranks, according to himself, Dave is likely planning something just past acceptable for your April Fools’ evening, like when he dumped cold water on you while showering or when he sent a naked picture of you to a girl you had a crush on, both of which he followed by saying something like, “Dude, don’t take things so fucking seriously, it was just a joke. C’mon. Don’t be so mad or whatever. We’re just fucking around.”

Steve Yurand, your roommate who is also worried about the seemingly normal day, said that, “maybe Dave has just forgotten or something. Or, I mean, maybe he’s not that much of an asshole. He’s our friend still, kind of. He could have just turned off the asshole for a day. Maybe that’s the surprise.”

Sources close to Dave, however, report that he has been thinking about this prank for weeks and, even though he knows damn well that you have an essay due tomorrow, “he’s gonna prank the shit out of you, bro.”

Some have speculated that the prank could involve your mother or one of the many people on campus you would not want to know secrets that Dave has overhead living a few feet away from you.

At press time, Dave had called asking you to let him in downstairs because he had “left [his] keys somewhere else…just hurry up and come down here.”