Study: Loveable Fuck-Ups from High School 42% More Depressing This Winter Break


The study found an increasing rate of depression induced by loveable fuck-ups, up by a record 42% this winter break

CHAPEL HILL, NC — A recent study by UNC-CH researchers published in The American Journal of Public Health found that loveable fuck-ups from high school were more depressing than ever this winter break, 42% more so than last year.

For the study, researchers interviewed UNC students who had returned to their hometowns for winter break. They concluded that, “more than every before, college students are realizing that their loveable fuck-up friends from high school are turning into just plain fuck-ups, a phenomenon that has led to greatly increased rates of depression among those surveyed.”

Tyler Havel, a sophomore biology major who participated in the study, said that, soon after returning home for the holidays and reconvening with high school friends, he was saddened to realize that the lovable fuck-up of his old peer group  “might actually end up one of those people who just never really gets it, just sort of floating around Greensboro. I knew it happened to people,” Havel said. “I guess I just hadn’t noticed that it had already happened to Rory [Scodale].”

“He was always fun,” added Havel, whom Scodale recently informed that he had dropped out of UNC-Wilmingtion and enrolled part-time at Guilford Technical Community College. “I mean, he smoked a lot of weed, but we all did. I just assumed things would work out for everybody.”

Havel’s story is common, said Henry Torato, lead author of the study.

“We found that loveable fuck-ups from high school have fucked up more than ever this year,” he said, “in ways that are starting to feel permanent.”

Torato also noted that, in addition to new acts of fucking up, “things that seemed fine in high school, like playing 20 hours of video games a week or owning more than one bong become really depressing when students realize that [loveable fuck-ups] are still living that way.”

Tim Yoda, a junior public policy major, said that the depressing aspects of his fuck-up friends’ behavior had not hit home until this year.

“We all used to do stupid stuff,” he said. “I just assumed we were all going to stop and get serious at some point. I mean we took all the same AP classes. Now Marcus [Chang] works at AutoZone and apparently has Monica Pavoretti pregnant with a kid. We tried to hang out when I got back into town, but I didn’t know what to say when he told me how things were going. What happened?”

Torato said his team is also investigating higher rates of friends coming back from college being out-of-touch, stuck-up douches.

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