Chapel Hill, NC—Standing by the steps of the Wilson Library this morning, Clark Thiel, UNC junior and buttery soft puss, concluded a phone conversation with his mother by telling her that he loved her too.

The statement was preceded by a fifteen-minute discussion that spanned topics including Theil’s two dogs, aunt Linda’s progress in physical therapy, the birthday card that grandma sent, and how much the swirly girly candy man misses his precious mother.

“Just calling in to check on her,” said the throbbing pansy.

Theil made the call as he walked across north campus, skipping daintily, no doubt, from mailing his mother a tear-stained love letter on his way to tea time with other mamas’ boys like himself.

Sources on the scene speculated that Thiel is currently in the throes of a heavy period.

“He definitely cares about his mom,” said a friend of the spineless fairy.

Saying “I love you too, mom” was the latest unmanly act in a day that saw the fey little sissy-missy float to the grocery store on a cloud of mother love and tear up midway through a chemistry lecture because his mommy was not there to diaper his dainty, fragile ass.

Several sources close to Thiel reported that the he calls his mother approximately once a week, a fact that confirms he has yet to grow a dick.

Lorenzo Malcolm, a professor of behavioral psychology at UNC, said Thiel’s behavior is not unprecedented among men his age.

“You have to consider that many college-aged males are at a complicated stage in the maternal relationship,” said Malcolm. “From a psychological perspective, it’s impressive that this little fruit was able to stop suckling at his mommy’s teat long enough to make the call in the first place.”

By The Whistle Man | The Minor

As I meander along the brick pathways of UNC, bouncing my sweetly whistled notes off the buildings and trees, people occasionally ask me, “Why do you do this?” Why would I, clad in 1990s headphones and perhaps a conductor’s hat, whistle my days away?

It’s simple: I do it for the bitches.

Oh sure, it was all innocent at first. I was a man without a care, wandering through campus and brightening the day with my tune. But fame came fast, and it came with perks.

Within a month, I was showered in money, women and drugs. Doing cocaine in dorm rooms and having drunken sex with stressed out sophomores. Turns out nothing melts panties like an older asian man with khaki pants and a talent for whistling.

By now, I’ve run the gambit at UNC. Hooking up with me is practically a rite of passage for all freshmen 10’s.

I am like the Pit Preacher that you want to fuck.

Or at least listen to whistling while you study on Saturday afternoon. But by Sunday we’ll be fucking, that’s for damn sure.

Whistling might have gotten old, but the freshmen girls didn’t. I never thought it would be this way, or this easy. But it is, and I love it. Now, whenever I have a song on my lips, I’ve got pussy on the brain.

I know you might think I whistle for whistling’s sake, or just to give myself something to do with my days, but I don’t. I do it for the bitches.

CHAPEL HILL, NC — According to a poll released today by the Center for American Friendship, your friends have 61 percent more fun without you.

The poll confirms longstanding suspicions that you thought were “just in [your] head.”

The longitudinal study, conducted since 2012, shows dramatic shifts in ‘fun,’ approximately seven months into freshmen year, when you admittedly “kind of ran out of anything interesting to say,” but were buoyed by everyone hating that fucker, Tim.

But, since Tim’s transfer to UNC-Charlotte three months ago, there has been a steady downward trend in fun rates with you around.

Speaking to reporters while hanging out with everyone who is not you, Bryan, your best friend whom you have told all your deepest secrets, said that the results are not surprising.

“[You] are great and all, but [you] will just say these things, and then it goes silent,” Bryan said. “And we try to move on in the conversation, but, man, you know what I’m talking about, right? I’m not trying to be a dick. Sorry.”

Center for American Friendship researchers report that the fun gap is only expected to widen when you start dating that annoying girl in a few weeks.

CHAPEL HILL, NC – Scott Jacobson was marked absent today after he entered a business class sporting olive green cargo shorts.

David Tillman, Jacobson’s professor in “Consulting Skills and Frameworks”, explained that cargo shorts are “totally unacceptable” in the business school. As soon as Jacobson walked in, Tillman asked him “what [he was] playing at” and if he had “any self-respect.”

“There is no right answer in consulting–that’s why it’s so lucrative–but there are definitely some wrong answers, and cargo shorts are always the wrong answer,” Tillman roared. “Consulting is all about convincing people that you are better than they are. Appearance is 90% of the job.”

Tillman spent the first fifteen minutes of class outlining the superiority of other students’ ensembles.

“Look at Jeremy, look at his chino shorts that end well above the knee, look at his boat shoes, his pastel polo. They scream old wealth. They scream yacht club. That’s the kind of douchebag I want to run my business,” he screamed as Johnson cowered in the corner of the John “Dyke” Peeples Classroom.

Tillman went on to compliment less traditional sartorial choices as well.

“Look at Mark, he’s wearing high athletic socks with flip flops and an LA Raiders sweatshirt for God’s sake. It looks like he robbed a homeless man. But it’s ballsy,” Tillman continued. “It’s a perfect mix of arrogance and nonchalance. That’s the kind of disaffected attitude that gets respect.”

Tillman relented only to pull in a passing colleague from the hallway. Professor Jim Wortham picked up the scolding where Tillman left off.

“Cargo shorts!” he seethed upon seeing Jacobson’s liberally pocketed vestment. “You’ve debased yourself Scott, and more importantly, you’ve debased Kenan-Flagler. I’d rather you weren’t here.”

Jacobson said that he was “blindsided” by the reaction to his shorts. “I don’t think I should be punished for dressing down for an 1:00 pm class on a Thursday. If I have to wake up early and go to class right before the weekend, I should be able to wear what I want.”

Jacobson added that the absence was especially damaging because attendance is “pretty much the only thing that matters” in Consulting Skills and Frameworks and he “wasn’t planning on coming all that much anyway.”

GENEVA, SWITZERLAND –- The recently released Fifth Assessment Report of the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) has found that the major cause of environmental destruction worldwide is the printing of unread copies of The Daily Tar Heel.

“We thought other variables would be important,” said Jiminee Dex, IPCC Secretariat, “but it turned out that climate change, deforestation, and all other forms of planetary degradation can be traced almost exclusively to the unconscionable abundance of UNC’s student newspaper.”

Alfred Ovenkick, a UNC Professor of Environmental Science who has studied the DTH, says that the paper has been one of the world’s most ecologically destructive forces for years. “Vast swaths of pristine old growth forest have been gutted to fuel [The Daily Tar Heel’s] coverage of campus events,” he said.

“Their ink mixture has contained extract of the endangered North Carolina bullfrog since the turn of the century.”

The authors of the IPCC study were surprised to discover that the DTH’s effects on the environment are even graver than previously imagined. “We have documented the formation of a planetary ‘DTH layer’ that is pushing average global temperatures up at a rate of 2 degrees Celsius per year,” said chief author Salazar Costado.

“We can’t keep ignoring the DTH’s role in environmental degradation,” he said.

But climate scientists say that solutions will not come easily. In order to guide CO₂ emission to pre-DTH levels, the IPCC study recommends cutting DTH circulation to 20% of current levels, a recourse that its authors described as  “extremely unlikely”.

Around campus, reactions to the report have been heated. “The DTH’s reckless printing techniques have single-handedly destroyed our forests, our air, and our habitats” said local Greenpeace volunteer Crispin Pleasants. “We have to organize against the newspaper that is killing our world.”

The DTH could not be reached for comment.

The United States’ government has shut down. What’s your take?

“I don’t have time to care about this right now. I have a political science midterm tomorrow.”

Rebecca Forester, Political Science and Public Policy, ’16

“It’s wonderful to see the federal government take a page out of our playbook by doing nothing.”

Connor Brady, Speaker of Student Congress, ’14

“So like, they won’t deliver the mail?”

Cliff Owen, Quantitative Biology, ’15

“YEEEEE HAW!”

Pat McCrory, Governor of North Carolina

CHAPEL HILL, NC — Following a scene in his Introduction to Dramatic Performance class in which Alex Mundy, junior psychology major, and Rufus Tally, sophomore English major, improvised off the idea “you’re an obnoxious animal in a small forest,” Andy Daily, Professor of Dramatic Art, described the portrayal as “a delicious morsel [he] could just nibble on for days.”

Daily’s description of the scene was hardly unusual. He is among a large and growing cohort of professors adopting the word “delicious” into the drama vernacular.

A report released this morning by the Institute of Language in Drama shows that 78% of drama professors have used “delicious” to describe a performance in the last week. The percentage of “delicious” use is unprecedented in modern dramatic instruction.

Chart showing words used in the past week by most Professors of the Dramatic Arts.

“We [drama professors] are reacting honestly to performances,” said Daily of the trend, “and, ultimately, when a scene feels most like eating a chocolate baguette beside the Sienne en Francais, it would be wrong to not express that to our young artists.”

Kyle Crawford, Senior Art History and Drama major, said that his performances have been described as “delicious” since his first play in 5th grade. Crawford noted that his most recent “delicious” performance came during rehearsal for a switched gender, switched race, and then switched-back gender performance of Cats.

“‘Delicious’ is a word that gives performers the confidence to truly engage with our art,” he said. “Ultimately, that’s the most delicious thing of all.”