CHAPEL HILL, NC –Junior political science and history major Austin S. Simpson published his first column in The Daily Tar Heel on Wednesday and, in so doing, brought about a bold new era in American political thought.
“There are issues beyond whoever is screaming at you in Pit,” said the student who posts articles from the Wall Street Journal to Facebook after reading a few paragraphs and whose eloquence matches that of a young Lincoln. “And everyone from politicians to the most nondescript UNC freshmen needs to know about them.”
In his bi-weekly column, Simpson, the Prometheus of our age, will bestow his divinely inspired thoughts upon the nation, kindling in the breasts of his countrymen a courageous fire that will forge the resolve to restore the United States to its rightful glory.
“Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you know that Washington has been broken for a long time,” said the loser of multiple high school debate contests. “People need to tune in and demand solutions that actually work.”
Simpson, whose prior audience consisted of the 17 Facebook friends who had not blocked his posts, has been described as “audacious” and “always willing to state his opinion despite what others may think or say.”
With columns such as “Supply and Demand: The Real Golden Rule,” “Paraphrased Idea from One of My Readings for Class,” and “The Founding Fathers Would Be Rolling Over in Their Graves,” Simpson is expected to impart ideas capable of delivering the American spirit from the burdens of economic malaise, global conflict, and social strife, freeing it to soar to the heights of its heyday.
“While it might not pop up every day on your newsfeed or Instagram, politics matters,” said Simpson. “I only hope I can get people to start thinking again.”