CHAPEL HILL, NC–Sources close to Jack Brennan, class of 2018, confirm that despite his first semester at Carolina, the freshman is still a freshman.

Brennan spent much of winter break telling his family about the great places he had discovered on Franklin Street, like Buns, Artisan Pizza Kitchen, and Chipotle.

“I feel like I know Franklin Street pretty well,” Brennan said. “certainly better than Ram’s Head.”

His acquaintances were more skeptical. “I doubt he’s ever been farther down Franklin Street than Toppers,” commented Samantha Carr, his editor at the Daily Tar Heel’s City Desk, “I mean, he still eats at Ram’s Head.”

Brennan brought back a Chance the Rapper poster that he asked for after he was introduced to the artist last fall, but he chose to leave his Sports Illustrated and Bob Marley posters where he had hung them in August. Brennan claims to be a “big fan” of “I shot the Sherriff” and “Buffalo Soldier.”

In preparation for spring rush, Brennan has thrown out all of his cargo shorts, but he continues to draw from his extensive Abercrombie and American Eagle collections.

“My fashion sense has gotten a lot better since I go to college,” Brennan said, sporting his brand new Sperry’s, “I didn’t realize how badly I dressed until I came to college.”

Brennan plans to rush a variety of fraternities, but he is especially excited about Sigma Phi Epsilon, Pi Kappa Alpha, and Phi Sigma Pi, the co-ed honors fraternity. Brennan declined to explain his preferences.

After a less than stellar semester academically, Brennan promised his parents that he will “study harder” this semester, explaining that college was “an adjustment.”

“I made a lot of mistakes last year, just trying to get to know everything,” said Brennan while walking his schedule the day before class, “but, I’ve pretty much got a grip on college at this point.”

Brennan spent most of last semester half-hearted studying in his dorm room for a few hours each day before smoking a bowl in the Ehringhaus woods. He plans to spend more time this semester “in the library,” by which he means the Undergraduate Library, the only library he has visited.

Brennan is optimistic about this semester, though he worries that his decision to hook up with his high school girlfriend over break will complicate things with the girl on his hall he likes. He is also looking for a 5^th and 6^th friend so they can apply for a Morrison super-suite.

CHAPEL HILL, NC—As the Board of Governors continues its review of UNC-System centers and institutes today, multiple members have voiced publicly their support for the use of affirmative action in selecting centers for possible defunding.

“Of course whether or not a center serves a marginalized community helps determine how far they go in the review process,” said John Fennebresque, Chairman of the Board of Governors. “We know that many times those centers, based on institutional factors like student involvement, expansive social missions and diligent staff members, would be the least likely to get this far.

“Affirmative action in this process helps guarantee diversity and that we don’t defund anything that privileged people might use,” he added.

Fennebresque said that this does not mean that other centers will not be up for review.

“The centers serving the marginalized communities are not being given a quota, or just allowed spots, but certainly we are giving them an advantage in possibly coming under this review. If two centers have comparable resumes, we are obviously going to choose to defund the one that helps a marginalized community,” he said. “That’s simply how the BOG sees solving problems of structural power in this state.”

Board member James L. Holmes Jr. says that right now taking affirmative action is especially important.

“With record numbers of people experiencing poverty in North Carolina, the murders of Michael Brown and Eric Garner, the Wainstein report and a growing consciousness about the vast problem of college sexual assault, it just seems fair that those centers studying and dealing with poverty, race retaliations, women’s issues and other marginalized groups should be the first to be reviewed,” he said.

CHAPEL HILL, NC—Brian Bennett, junior biology major, thumbing through the contents of his wallet in the seating area of the Bottom of Lenoir before his 10 a.m. class, noticed a grey LifeStyles condom tucked between the wallet’s black leather and a gift card for Moe’s Southwest Grill. Bennett turned the condom over and read the instructions, only now noticing the small date inscribed on its side: DEC2014.

“Shit dude, I’m going to need to buy some more,” he thought to himself, seeing the condom he placed there this past Halloween, when he had thought Sarah Boland would be at Clay’s party. “Of course this would happen on LDOC. Good thing I noticed before I went out tonight.”

Bennett, who bought the condoms sometime last year, resolved to pick up a new box to replace the expired condoms before “things happen, I mean, you never know what can happen on LDOC.”

“I’ll have to replace the stash too,” Bennett thought, thinking of the other condoms in the drawer of his bedside table, out of sight from any women that might happen to open the drawer in search of a tissue, or nail-clippers or anything they might need, but close enough to be easily reachable in an intimate situation.”

“What’s even the difference between a fresh condom and an expired one?” he wondered.

Bennett resolved to go to Walgreens after class to get a new pack, especially “with the whole Megan Campolo situation, it’s LDOC, dude.”

Campolo is studying abroad next semester and many friends have told Bennett that “this is probably the last chance for [Bennett and Campolo] to get together.”

But, the two had not texted in a few days and Bennett still was not sure if that guy with the blonde hair he saw Campolo with a lot was her boyfriend.

“They always seemed to walk really close together,” Bennett thought.

Walking into Walgreens around 2:45 pm, Bennett quickly found the assortment of condoms on aisle 3.

He reached for the LifeStyles, but then put them back down. They were less expensive than the Trojans, but their packaging wasn’t nearly as colorful. Bennett mulled over the idea of a ‘ribbed’ condom for a few seconds before picking up a box. He’d go for the Durex Pleasure Pack next time, he thought. It sounded pretty cool.

Putting on a faint smile for the cashier as he checked out at the front of the store, Bennett wished he had checked the expiration date on his new box of condoms.

“It probably wouldn’t matter,” he thought. “Now that I’m done with Chem 430 I’ll have more time to get involved in Chapel Hill’s dating scene.”

When he got back to his room, Bennett decided to keep his old box of condoms even though they had expired, and put them in a different drawer of his nightstand. They were ribbed, too, he noticed. Before heading to the library, Bennett placed the new box of condoms in his top drawer, but not before checking the expiration date. JUN2015, it read. Maggie would probably be home by then.

“No,” he thought, “she’s definitely dating that guy.”

CHAPEL HILL, NC –Blair Lewis, sophomore and College Life leader, has made waves in the Christian community this past week by announcing his newly formed relationship with a Carmichael lamp post.

“I was rounding the corner near Carmichael when I saw her,” Lewis said, a protective arm wrapped around the lamp post. “She immediately caught my eye, and even though I was kind of embarrassed to talk to her, I knew I would have to make her mine.

“Needless to say, she had no complaints,” he added, gingerly stroking the rusting black paint near the lamp post’s base.

Lewis had been notoriously absent from the UNC dating scene until he met the lamp post, preferring to spend time with his bros and investing himself in College Life, a Christian organization that serves as a collegiate branch of the popular YoungLife program. Lewis had recently been named a leader in the organization, prompting greater scrutiny from his superiors.

“Generally, it concerns us when our leaders get into relationships, as it tends to distract them from their Christian duties,” said Winstooth. “But the lamp post is really the ideal College Life girlfriend. It offers the cold, metallic silence necessary for Blair’s aggressive, biased arguments about sports and gay marriage. It’s the silent partner a College Life man needs.”

Lewis’s friends were initially hesitant about the idea of losing their friend to a lamp post, but have since accepted the new relationship.

“We just loving hanging out with Blair and the lamp post,” said friend and fellow College Life member Eric Boone. “Her faith isn’t as strong as Blair’s, but it’s dope to chill with her because we usually just forget she’s there and watch football for hours.”

As a cautionary measure, Winstooth and other senior College Life members regularly check up with Blair about the relationship.

“We want to make sure that his head stays in the right place,” said fellow senior member Walt Pratchett. “The temptation of sex goes hand in hand with the call of the devil, and it’s important that we instill such a strong sense of guilt in our members that they can’t help but hate their bodily urges.

“I think Pam here could learn a thing or two from Blair’s relationship,” added Pratchett, motioning to his wife Pamela, who was seated nearby, staring at her salad and listlessly swirling her fork in the soggy lettuce.

Lewis was silent on the more intimate aspects of his relationship, but is assuring friends and family that sex isn’t even in the question, and that he is content with passionate make-outs.

“I’d say I’m a pretty good kisser,” said Lewis proudly, in a voice loud enough that everyone around him could hear. “I mean just look at the way she shines. I must be doing something right.”

While some have criticized Lewis’s relationship as “unnatural” and “sickening”, the Christian community has stood in support of the new lovers.

“They’re just two people who love each other, and want to be together,” said Reformed University Fellowship (RUF) President Bob Newsome. “Why is that so hard for ignorant, bigoted people to understand?”

CHAPEL HILL, NC–Led by head football coach Larry Fedora towards the athletic dining hall for their last meal, the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill offensive linemen took the final steps in preparing for their annual winter hibernation.

“Come on boys, follow on behind me and get up in there,” Fedora yelled at the sluggish, but obedient linemen. “We’ve got to get you fed before winter hits.”

The linemen only responded with growls before following the coach up the staircase and into the dining hall.

“It’s a process we go through every winter,” said Bubba Cunningham, head of the Athletic Department. “We know hibernation is a vital part of an offensive linemen’s life and we want to make sure the university supports them in that process.”

Cunningham said one of the keys is offering enough food for the linemen.

For weeks, linemen have been eating five to six meals a day with at least 2,000 calories.

“It’s important for them to eat as much as possible now before they go into hibernation,” said Brendan Albright, team trainer. “Their metabolism, heart-rate and breathing will all slow and they need to store enough in their fat deposits to last for the winter.”

Albright says they have tried to accommodate those needs but it can be difficult.

As Fedora led the last of the linemen in, he saw Samuel Tish, a 315 pound starting offensive guard, throwing his body against the sandwich meat area and grunting.

“Oh shit,” Fedora whispered. “Did they run out of salami?”

One of the dining hall employees came racing around the corner to replace the meats, but it was too late, Tish was on his hind legs hitting his chest and roaring.

“He ain’t gonna bite you if you just put that damn meat down and get out of here,” Fedora hollered at the employee.

She threw the container of turkey, salami and ham on the floor and ran.

Tish emitted a low, guttural moan starring at her as she fled the scene, before shoving his face into the meat and quickly eating it all. Tired, he feel to the floor.

“Not yet Tish, get your damned ass up,” Fedora said. “Wait until we get to the cave in Kenan Stadium.”

Corralling the linemen, Fedora began their march towards Kenan Stadium. Entering the tunnel that led back to the cave, he sparked a large road flair.

“Y’all know the way better than I do now, go on,” he said.

The linemen lurched forward in a large pack. Within a 100 meters they came upon piles of Nike brand equipment and clothing they had been gifted in the last year. They began tearing at it, using the material to create nests that they would sleep in throughout the winter.

“Now, remember, I’m going to have to wake you up for the bowl game in a few weeks, don’t get too mad,” Fedora said. “But, like most games, you can probably just sleep through that too.”

CHAPEL HILL, NC–Recently released supplementary materials to the Wainstein report reveal that Air Bud, the starting shooting guard of the University of North Carolina’s 2009 Men’s Basketball team, took only paper classes during the 2008-2009 academic calendar year.

“Air Bud was an incredible talent and a great member of this university, these allegations are shocking and will take time to process,” Bubba Cuningham, chair of the Athletic department said. “He was such a good boy, yes he was.”

Air Bud, who averaged 21.5 points during the 2009 NCAA Tournament, allegedly passed courses for which he attended no lectures, took no exams, and turned in pages of muddy paw prints in the Philosophy Department, the Department of Exercise and Sports Science, and the AAAD Department.

Mary Willingham, who claims she tutored Air Bud, said the problem was more systematic and many of her students had similar issues.

“Many students were unprepared for the college experience whether because of systems of oppression or because, well, Air Bud was a dog, we all understand that, right?” Willingham said. “He couldn’t even hold a pencil.”

Air Bud, who is in his 5th season with the Cleveland Cavaliers, could not be reached for comment.

CHAPEL HILL, NC – According to a new paper by Dr. Adrienne L. Erickcek, a UNC Assistant Professor of Physics, the semester, if understood through mathematical models applied to the fabric of spacetime, has really “really flown by, wow, just like that it’s over.”

“When you look at it from a mathematical perspective, time is just another dimension we can travel through,” says Erickcek, “and that’s why as soon as Fall break hits the semester is over before you know it.”

The phenomenon that arises is similar to that of time dilation, the slowing down of inertial frames of reference when localized spacetime is deformed by high mass-energy density. Time dilation explains why summer breaks feel drawn out but leaves the feeling of the semester “always flying by” unexplained.

In her new paper, Erickcek asked how dark energy, which makes up roughly 75% of the universe’s mass-energy density, would affect the dimension of time. By applying the mathematics of quantum field theory to the calculations of dark energy evolution over time, Erickcek was able to tease out a new theoretical approach to dark energy’s influence – time contraction.

“This was very exciting,” Erickcek said. “Once I realized this other way of looking at dark energy, the math that popped out showed me why it feels like this semester has gone by even faster than the last one, right? This one has gone really fast. It was just yesterday we were getting syllabi. Jeez.”

Erickcek said, however, that her work is still purely theoretical.

“The real test will come when we use the Planck Space Telescope to detect and analyze the faint afterglow of primordial semesters,” said Erickcek, quickly adding that this will “probably have to happen sometime next semester.”