CHAPEL HILL, NC –Blair Lewis, sophomore and College Life leader, has made waves in the Christian community this past week by announcing his newly formed relationship with a Carmichael lamp post.
“I was rounding the corner near Carmichael when I saw her,” Lewis said, a protective arm wrapped around the lamp post. “She immediately caught my eye, and even though I was kind of embarrassed to talk to her, I knew I would have to make her mine.
“Needless to say, she had no complaints,” he added, gingerly stroking the rusting black paint near the lamp post’s base.
Lewis had been notoriously absent from the UNC dating scene until he met the lamp post, preferring to spend time with his bros and investing himself in College Life, a Christian organization that serves as a collegiate branch of the popular YoungLife program. Lewis had recently been named a leader in the organization, prompting greater scrutiny from his superiors.
“Generally, it concerns us when our leaders get into relationships, as it tends to distract them from their Christian duties,” said Winstooth. “But the lamp post is really the ideal College Life girlfriend. It offers the cold, metallic silence necessary for Blair’s aggressive, biased arguments about sports and gay marriage. It’s the silent partner a College Life man needs.”
Lewis’s friends were initially hesitant about the idea of losing their friend to a lamp post, but have since accepted the new relationship.
“We just loving hanging out with Blair and the lamp post,” said friend and fellow College Life member Eric Boone. “Her faith isn’t as strong as Blair’s, but it’s dope to chill with her because we usually just forget she’s there and watch football for hours.”
As a cautionary measure, Winstooth and other senior College Life members regularly check up with Blair about the relationship.
“We want to make sure that his head stays in the right place,” said fellow senior member Walt Pratchett. “The temptation of sex goes hand in hand with the call of the devil, and it’s important that we instill such a strong sense of guilt in our members that they can’t help but hate their bodily urges.
“I think Pam here could learn a thing or two from Blair’s relationship,” added Pratchett, motioning to his wife Pamela, who was seated nearby, staring at her salad and listlessly swirling her fork in the soggy lettuce.
Lewis was silent on the more intimate aspects of his relationship, but is assuring friends and family that sex isn’t even in the question, and that he is content with passionate make-outs.
“I’d say I’m a pretty good kisser,” said Lewis proudly, in a voice loud enough that everyone around him could hear. “I mean just look at the way she shines. I must be doing something right.”
While some have criticized Lewis’s relationship as “unnatural” and “sickening”, the Christian community has stood in support of the new lovers.
“They’re just two people who love each other, and want to be together,” said Reformed University Fellowship (RUF) President Bob Newsome. “Why is that so hard for ignorant, bigoted people to understand?”