CHAPEL HILL, NC — After kvetches last week revealed UNC students have been annoyed by the charity organization Dance Marathon, spokesmen for the UNC Lineberger Comprehensive Cancer Center announced today that their researchers are working harder than ever to end Dance Marathon by curing cancer.

“Bringing an end to the human suffering caused by cancer was my motivation for getting into this field,” said Dr. Gregory Andrews, Director of the Clinical Research Program at UNC Hospitals, “but after hearing how much students have been bothered by Dance Marathon lately, I’ve been inspired anew. I refuse to accept the state of a world where students are pestered by chipper peers in silly costumes asking them to volunteer for a charity fundraiser. The thought of those poor young people walking to Davis has kept me hard at work.”

Tristan Cooper, spokesman for UNC Hospitals, said that the kvetches made clear why cancer research is important. “Through research, we can address the fundamental problems in our world, like Dance Marathon. At UNC Hospitals, we always strive to remain cognizant of our first priorities.”

Dr. Anna Tender, a researcher at the Lineberger Center and a 2004 UNC graduate, said she choose to research cancer in part because of Dance Marathon.

“The damage of Dance Marathon was unspoken, but it touched virtually everyone,” she said of her time as an undergraduate. “I realized that the only way to end Dance Marathon was to cure cancer, so that’s what I’ve dedicated my life to doing.”

Students say they are grateful that researchers are inspired by their plight.

“It is time someone finally took notice of our suffering,” said Clay Winthrop, sophomore Geology major. “I want to live in a world where no one has to live in fear of cancer and, more importantly, the only person bothering me in the Pit is a crazy old man with a Bible.”

Chapel Hill, NC— James Titlebaum, recipient of the prestigious Morehead-Cain scholarship, learned last week that he was not selected by God to be the second coming of Christ.

“It was a huge blow to me personally,” said Titlebaum, who edited his high school newspaper and founded the Westbrook High International Relations Club. “I grew up believing that, if I worked hard enough, I could achieve anything. That’s the can-do attitude that got me the Morehead-Cain scholarship, and it’s what I hoped would make me the second coming of Christ.”

“The Morehead is the most prestigious merit scholarship in the country,” he explained. “Being the second coming of Christ seemed like the logical next step for me.”

Titlebaum said that he considered himself a strong applicant to be God incarnate. “When I discovered the position of the second coming of Christ was still vacant, I knew that I could see myself in that role,” he said. “I think the same qualities that make me a Morehead-Cain scholar would make me well suited to judge the living and the dead.”

Titlebaum said that he was “perplexed” when he was not selected. “I know I wasn’t the only Morehead to apply, but I don’t think any of us got it. I don’t know of a better qualified group of applicants,” said the sophomore whose work in an eye clinic in India this summer was funded by the Morehead-Cain Foundation.

“I always thought I’d be great as the figurehead of the world’s largest religion,” he continued. “People naturally look up to me–I think the Morehead reflects that–but I guess I’m still not ready to compete with Jesus. If there’s one thing you should know about Moreheads, though, it’s that we’re not quitters. I see this not as an obstacle, but as an opportunity for growth. I may not be the living flesh of God today, but with hard work, I will be one day soon.”

Bart Ehrman, a biblical scholar at the University of North Carolina, wasn’t surprised that Titlebaum’s application was rejected. “There’s just no evidence in the Bible that suggests the second coming of Christ will be a Morehead,” he said. “It will probably be someone none of us would expect, like a Robertson.”

Chapel Hill, NC — Addressing a small gathering of fellow students in the bedroom of his Carr Street apartment, Bryce Leland, junior Peace, War, and Defense major, offered a scathing critique of UNC’s registration system, describing the process of enrollment for his spring 2014 courses as “too fucking hard.”

Leland then winced, placed a fist over his mouth, and expelled a thick cloud of marijuana smoke from his lungs.

“Yeah man, ConnectCarolina is fucked,” he continued, to the commiserating head shakes and knowing glances of his peers. “Unless you know exactly what you need to take for all the gen-eds and shit, good luck finding anything on there. It won’t even let you do a class search if there are more than 150 results, and you have to check the box for next semester every time or else it shows you shit for this semester. It’s literally retarded.”

Leland went on to cough for several seconds and mutter “shit,” before reaching once more for the lighter and bong on his bedside table.

“Not to mention that it logs you out like every 10 minutes and then makes you log out again before you can log back in,” he proceeded, his eyes watering following another heavy rip. “I mean, how fucking hard is it to make a website?”

Several members of Leland’s audience echoed his sentiments, remarking “damn” and “I don’t even know.” Others sat expressionless, silently contemplating his words.

“I only got into like two of the classes I need,” concluded Leland, traces of smoke rising from his mouth past the Pulp Fiction poster on his wall. “I hope I can still finish my major.”

There was a fire in the Cobb dormitory Tuesday afternoon. What’s your take?

“Those poor, weird residents. All they had was Cobb.”

Carol Folt, Chancellor

“Remember, remember the fifth of November, the gunpowder treason and plot. #Anonymous”

Tyler Sandals, Computer Science, ’14

“If Honors Carolina can’t have the dorm… no one can.”

Professor James Cruston, Director of Honors Carolina

By Your One Friend | The Minor

OHHHH MYYY GODDDDDD.

YOPO.

YES.

YES! YES! YES! YES!

Oreo Cookie. Cake Batter. Pumpkin Pie. Cinnamon Bun. Cotton Candy. Carolina Blueberry with strawberries, Twix bars and nuts. In a cone. In a waffle cone. In a cup with a spoon. Medium. Large. Small. Child.

FROZEN YOGURT. Slurp, slurp, slurp. UHHHH YUM.

After big exams, Tuesday classes, and cardio fitness Fridays. Toppings like Heath bar, sprinkles, those juice popping balls, oreo, granola, assorted fruits and Reese’s cups all mussed up. They put them in the middle. They do it for you. They swirl so much. So much frozen yogurt.

FUCKING YOPO. OH MY F’ING GOD!

YOOOOOOOOOOOO

POOOOOOOOOOOO

YOPO.

YUM.

Wait, they have Pumpkin Pie tonight? WHAT! ARE YOU SERIOUS!? We have to go, we have to go.

Mmmmmmm YOPO.

Did you know they are local? Yeah, local. And healthier than ice cream? Yeah, healthy.

Oh fuck. Oh yum.

Ghirardelli Chocolate. Southern Strawberry. Original Tart. Very Berry. Mocha Java. Vanilla Bean swirled with red velvet cake in a cake cone. Peppermint. Peanut Butter. No sugar added Vanilla. Cake Batter with crumbled Oreo cookie on top.  Georgia Peach with strawberries. 10 calories per ounce. Served in pie form. Pie.

OH GOD. SWEET JESUS. YOPO.

CHAPEL HILL, NC — UNC students and faculty experienced chaos this afternoon, when a faulty valve caused the economics department’s grade-inflating pump to shut down for a period of several hours.

The valve failed without warning at approximately 1:30 pm, causing catastrophic grade deflation across campus. The collective grade point average of economics majors and pre-business students at UNC fell to a C average within a matter of seconds.

“I was on ConnectCarolina searching for classes, and all of a sudden, it said my GPA was a 2.2,” recounted Sam Guthrie, a junior economics major who had maintained a 3.8 since his freshman year. “And I was like ‘What the fuck?’ I had read at least half of the assignments for all those classes. I deserved my A minuses.”

Patrick Conway, chairman of the economics department, was inundated with complaints soon after the pump failed.

“I knew it had to be that old grade-inflating pump again,” said Conway. “I called UNC Facilities Services as soon as I heard that undergraduate grades were dipping below a B level.”

Promptly dispatched to the pump  in the basement of Gardner Hall, repairman Barry Gartman quickly identified the cause of the outage.

“It takes a lot of pressure to inflate grades as much as we do, and with that much pressure in the system, any little crack in a pump valve can be disastrous,” said Gartman. “When the valve failed, the pressurized bullshit and hot air that keep the grades inflated spewed all over. It was a real mess.”

Gartman brought the pump back online at 3:13 pm, re-inflating grades all around campus. He characterized the pump break as a big problem with a relatively easy fix.

“All it took was to install a new valve and check the pump over for residual damage,” he said. “People on campus depend on this pump every day, and, unfortunately, it only gets realized on the rare occasion that something goes wrong.”

The pump failure was the most disastrous malfunction in grade-manipulating infrastructure at UNC since the biology department’s bell-curve mold broke in the spring of 2009, resulting in a semester grade distribution of 43% F’s, 3% D’s, 19% C’s, 6% B’s, and 29% A’s.

As economics students and professors sort through the damage caused by the grade-inflating pump’s failure, many are calling for failsafe upgrades, with some contending that the department’s entire grade-inflating apparatus should be abandoned in favor of a newer model.

“Over at Duke, they have a state-of-the-art, campus-wide, electric inflation system,” said Conway. “It’s high time that we followed suit and brought our grade-inflating technology into the 21st century.”

CHAPEL HILL, NC — Clutching his head and moaning for “some fucking Advil,” Dustin Phillips, sophomore Geology major, pretended to be hungover over breakfast this morning when discussing the events of Halloween.

“I was still drunk when I woke up this morning,” lied Phillips, who took four shots over two hours last night. “And my head is fucking throbbing this morning, but so worth it. Last night was crazy.”

Tanner Mayes, a friend of Phillips who attended the breakfast, said Phillips often recants stories of his raucous nights out with “his other friends.”

“Sounded like another one of his crazy nights,” said Mayes of the man who spent Halloween walking around Franklin Street in a banana suit and went to bed around 12:30 am. “Supposedly he got into some wild shit; doing keg stands at Beta and hanging out with the basketball team or something.”

“Today’s going to be rough as hell,” chuckled Phillips, who got 7 restful hours of sleep, “but it was a night I’ll never forget. Not that I remember much. So blackout man.”