Applebees

HIGH POINT, NC–High school senior Derek Brotwin celebrated his acceptance to UNC last night with a family dinner at the local Applebee’s. After he told his parents of his acceptance, they were adamant that they all commemorate the occasion with a trip to “the ‘Bees.”

“When Derek ran out of his room, yelling ‘I got in, I got in!’, I immediately knew we were all headed for ‘What’s Good in the Neighborhood,’” said Brotwin’s mother, Terri. “Luckily, Applebee’s menu is chocked full of 2 for 20 deals, making it affordable for the whole family. Their commercials say, ‘See you tomorrow?’ More like see you tonight!”

Ever since Brotwin was in elementary school, he and his family have celebrated milestones in the corner booth of the local Applebee’s.

 “We even came here when I took 6th place in my Boy Scout troop’s Pinewood Derby,” said Brotwin from under the brim of his newly purchased UNC baseball cap his father had made him wear inside the restaurant. “I always get those tasty onion rings.”

According to Brotwin’s friends and family, UNC was his top choice of university. His application emphasized both his willingness to explore new things and his determination to stay true to himself.

“Derek will be a great fit for UNC,” said Brotwin’s father, Keith, as he placed an order for “some steak quesadilla towers to start it off right.”

“I don’t normally splurge on food like this,” he added, “but at Applebee’s you’ve got fair prices AND that fine dining feel. They understand what a family needs.”

After ordering, Derek’s parents made his acceptance known to Lisa, their waitress, who responded with the honest grin of a friend, as all Applebees employees do.

“Actually, let me get a beer too, Lisa,” Derek’s father said smirking. “Maybe a certain student accepted to UNC I know deserves a sip. Just one though!”

The night was filled with laughter, potato twisters, and the occasional visit from manager Dan Ludwig, checking in to see if everyone was enjoying their meals. After hearing Terri joke that her “big college man” should pay the check, Dan realized that Brotwin would be heading off to school in the fall.

“Don’t party too hard, son,” said Ludwig to Brotwin. “From what I’ve heard, those Carolina girls can be a real handful.”

“Don’t I know,” said Derek’s father, laughing and winking at his wife whom he’d met at Carolina. “Our boy is really growing up, I remember when he could barely sit in the booth. Ah, Applebees sure is the place for a moment like this. If I was someone hearing about this I’d make sure to call or locate my own Applebees for similar happy events through their website–Applebees.com. Ahhhhh, good times.”

Asshole Dave

CHAPEL HILL, NC –After what has been a harmless and relatively quiet April Fools’ Day so far, sources are reporting that you know your asshole suitemate Dave Childress still has some fucking bullshit up his sleeve.

An “absolute legend” at pranks, according to himself, Dave is likely planning something just past acceptable for your April Fools’ evening, like when he dumped cold water on you while showering or when he sent a naked picture of you to a girl you had a crush on, both of which he followed by saying something like, “Dude, don’t take things so fucking seriously, it was just a joke. C’mon. Don’t be so mad or whatever. We’re just fucking around.”

Steve Yurand, your roommate who is also worried about the seemingly normal day, said that, “maybe Dave has just forgotten or something. Or, I mean, maybe he’s not that much of an asshole. He’s our friend still, kind of. He could have just turned off the asshole for a day. Maybe that’s the surprise.”

Sources close to Dave, however, report that he has been thinking about this prank for weeks and, even though he knows damn well that you have an essay due tomorrow, “he’s gonna prank the shit out of you, bro.”

Some have speculated that the prank could involve your mother or one of the many people on campus you would not want to know secrets that Dave has overhead living a few feet away from you.

At press time, Dave had called asking you to let him in downstairs because he had “left [his] keys somewhere else…just hurry up and come down here.”

With sunny skies and highs in the mid-70s today and similar weather forecasted for the week ahead, it’s finally starting to look like springtime in Chapel Hill. What’s your take?

“Bullshit.”

Tyler Sandals, Computer Science, ’14

“But soft, the temperate breezes whisper to me, drawing me from my winter’s hiding.”

Pale, hairy thighs, Undecided, ’16

“Can you think of anything you would rather do on a glorious day like this than to stage a demonstration on a college campus showing photoshopped pictures of late-term abortions? I can’t. Somebody help me.”

Fletcher Armstrong, Director of Center for Bio-Ethical Reform Southeast

CHAPEL HILL, NC–Calling together a suite meeting this evening, Freshman biology major Michael Chandler informed his suitemates that he has been masturbating using Garnier Fructis hair-conditioner for the past week, unable to afford his usual bottle of Vaseline Aloe Fresh hand-moisturizer.

“It doesn’t feel as good, but it’s more affordable,” Chandler told them over dinner at Lenoir. “College is a time when you grow up and learn fiscal responsibility. I think this is one lesson among many.”

Chandler, who used hair-conditioner for the first time while his roommate was at BUSI-101 class on Tuesday morning, said it was a crisis decision that has since paid off.

“I gathered all of the essentials: laptop, tissues, and my Aloe Fresh,” he said, “but when the time came, I realized that the moisturizer my mom had bought me at the beginning of the year had run out.”

Chandler, after searching his room for other alternatives, ultimately settled on his Garnier Fructis hair-conditioner, which his mother had also purchased.

“Who knows what would have happened if I hadn’t stumbled on the conditioner,” he said. “I’ve tried Nutella and toothpaste before, but it’s never felt right.”

Stopping by the Walgreens on Franklin in search of a new bottle of Aloe Fresh, Chandler said he realized that masturbatory luxury comes at a price.

“All through high school, my mom kept the house stocked with Aloe Fresh,” he said. “When I looked for it in the store though, it was too expensive. I knew I’d have to settle for the conditioner.”

Sutiemates indicated that they were supportive, albeit a little disappointed.

“Wait, dude, are you fucking masturbating in the shower? Are you serious? It’s a suite shower. It’s for all of us, you dick. I mean do what you need to do, but not in the shower. You’re better than that,” said suitemate Trevor Trozan. “We are all going to miss the Aloe Fresh, I mean we all loved that stuff, but we can do better than the shower.”

At press time, Chandler was taking a shower.

CHAPEL HILL, NC – Wandering through the woods behind Craige residence hall several hours after getting out of his Tuesday afternoon industrial organization lecture, junior economics major Hugh Lofton was confronted with diminishing marginal psychedelic returns from his third tab of the hallucinogen Lysergic Acid Diethylamide (LSD).

The principle of diminishing marginal productivity, to which Lofton was introduced by Economics 101 lecturer Rita Balaban in the fall of his freshman year, aptly described the reduced synesthetic, ego-dissociative yields that the finance industry-hopeful experienced from subsequent doses of the drug, to which he was introduced by his suitemate, Skeeter, in the fall of his sophomore year.

“It’s all supply and demand in the end,” Lofton was heard muttering as he sat with his legs outstretched at the base of an oak tree.

Lofton’s first tab of LSD, which he took soon after completing homework for his game theory class, reportedly gave the economics major robust psychoactive gains–making the bulletin board outside his room into  “telescoping candy colored rectangles,” and producing “patterns of dancing music on the inside of [his] eyelids.” After Lofton’s second dose, taken in Skeeter’s room, where he had gone to watch Archer on Netflix, a smoky visage of microeconomics lecturer Jeremy Petranka appeared before him, encouraging Lofton to “taste [his] own senescence” and to stop by office hours, if he felt like it.

“I’m just Dr. J. I’m cool man,” said the hallucination.

After Lofton dropped a third tab, however, the Econ 410 instructor melted into the physiognomy of Professor Balaban, who lectured Lofton on public goods and insisted that alcohol is superior to other drugs. It was at that point that Lofton realized he was gaining less and less the more LSD he took. He adjourned back to his dorm and reportedly watched his ceiling breathe for the next three hours.

According to Pavithra Appadurai, a UNC economics professor whose recent book, Third Eye and Demand explores the microeconomics of recreational hallucinogenic use, Lofton’s experience was not uncommon.

“Research has shown us that, for most individuals, marginal returns diminish after the second or third tab, and trip utility virtually plateaus after five doses, making the best course of action to just chill out and enjoy the ride,” she said. “Theoretical economists have hypothesized that a marked spike in psychedelic intensity may exist at approximately 300 tabs, but, for now, evidence of the so-called Jerry Garcia Peak remains anecdotal.”

Despite his economic reality, Lofton gave no indication that he planed to modify his acid-taking behavior.

“I want to be able to forgo the microeconomic boundaries of my own body and meld with the world,” he said. “Do you know what it feels like to be a macroeconomic entity?”

“I don’t, but I want to,” he said.

by Road Zimmerman | The Minor

A new compilation by the now-famous Anderson twins, who are most known for their work with the scat scene revival among gay men in Minneapolis, “Songs Your Dad Played on the Way to Middle School” is exactly what it sounds like: a comprehensive collection of remastered songs your father played when driving you to middle school every morning. The Anderson twins have said that they hope the compilation “shows the struggle of listening to your father’s music each morning, hoping desperately that he would play something involving ambient noise.”

Track #1) “Rich Girl” by Hall & Oates

One of the many top-40 trash songs that your father loved, “Rich Girl,” by Hall and Oates, leads off this compilation. Your dad would sing along to it, laughing, and looking at you lovingly as he asked you to sing along too. Sometimes, if the day was warm enough, he’d roll down the windows and you could almost see the young man he used to be–the young man you would be in a few years. Disgusting. This track is a perfect salvo to a group of songs that are nothing but the dreck your father enjoyed.

Track #2) “Call Me” by Blondie

Repetitive drivel, “Call Me,” by Blondie, may be one of the worst songs and best examples of selling out that the ’80s saw. Seemingly harmless, the song is an anti-feminist rant, and it reeks of poorly chosen subject matter and trying too hard. Your dad would play it and tell you stories about going to a Blondie show, desperately trying to relate to you, knowing how much you had started to enjoy music. He’d talk about how he used to go to a lot of shows, how he saw James Taylor in a small room around Chapel Hill. How he remembered taking your mom to a concert. Your dad was a poor man, completely unaware of his horrible taste in music. He would go on to tell you that no matter what mistakes you made in life, he’d always support you and love you, and that he knew middle school can be hard on young boys who are too mature. Dad was an idiot.

Track #3) “Brothers in Arms” by Dire Straits

The title track of Dire Straits’ Grammy award-winning album, “Brothers in Arms” was written by lead man Mark Knopfler, a facile excuse for a musician. “Brothers in Arms” saw Knopfler lauded for his unique work with the guitar, an instrument that has been phased out of most current relevant music. This song stands as a testament to unoriginal garbage in an age of unoriginal garbage. Your dad said that he bought it at 25, just as he was becoming an actual adult, or maybe just realizing he was an adult. He said that he didn’t really know how to talk to you anymore, and that he felt like you were moving farther and farther away from him. He said that he just wanted to understand you. Then he said that, if you would rather, he could just turn the music up and not talk about it. He had no idea how much you didn’t want him to turn the music up, not music with such a painful lack of experimentalism. He just kind of went silent and looked off in the distance. He muttered that he was trying his best. A classic driving to middle school song.

Track #4) “Summer Teeth” by Wilco

The most current release of the compilation, “Summer Teeth” has an infectious pop beat your dad called, “one of the best songs he [had] heard in years.” Maybe he just wasn’t listening hard enough to hear what shit this is. Led by dad legend Jeff Tweedy, Wilco is a band your father said was something that he felt like both kids and adults could enjoy,  completely unaware of how stupid he sounded. This song is a perfect fit for the compilation: a forced attempt at relation to youth passing a withering generation. Your dad said he hoped that you could be happy, and that songs like this could mean something powerful while still being joyful. He said that you didn’t have to be upset constantly, that not all art comes from contempt, cynicism and hatred. Your dad was a poor lost soul. As you stepped out of the car toward your middle school, he waved hopefully and smiled. You turned away and looked down at the ground.

Track #5) “These Days” by Jackson Browne

Your dad put on this song and said that he just wanted to talk. He told you about how Jackson Browne wrote it when he was young, just a little bit older than you were then. How the song talks about love and loneliness and everything that you were feeling. He asked you to please listen. You just turned away; you wouldn’t look him in the eyes. He began to cry, and he said that he just wanted to make things easier for you. That he would love you forever–that he would do anything to understand what you were experiencing. You stayed silent. The song continued playing. You watched your father cry for the first time. You made your father cry. What a bad song.

Road Zimmerman hosts the “Is This Music? Hour: Wider Sounds” on WXYC from 6:00 pm to 7:00 pm on Thursdays and is an avid reader of Cellar Door.

During March Madness, North Korean college basketball analyst Jin Mee Kim is following the UNC men’s team in the NCAA tournament. Working on special assignment for The Minor, Jin Mee is a veteran Pyongyang journalist and recipient of the 2007 Kim Jong-Il Award for Transcendent Writing in the Glorification of the Workers’ Party of Korea. He will offer his insights and perspectives on the Tar Heels as the team looks to advance through the bracket.

Jin Mee Kim | The Minor

By the peerless vision of Perfect Leader Roy Williams, the Exalted UNC Men’s Basketball Team was victorious in its round-of-32 game against the Cyclones of squalid and inbred Iowa State. The final score was UNC 514, Iowa State 54. Any rumors to contrary are untruthful and treasonous to the Fatherland of Chapel Hill.

The splendid and noble triumph was not without challenges.

Of Iowa State’s roster of debauched and slothful players, one of the least unskillful, Georges Niang, was not suited for competition, having deservedly broken his foot by kicking an old woman into traffic in celebration following his team’s first round win. To offset the disadvantage, fork-tongued Iowa State coach Fred Hoiberg ordered a naughty and unrighteous deed: 14 minutes in the game, degenerate low-post oaf Daniel Edoize deliberately caused Brice Johnson, UNC’s hale and spirited 8′ 2″ power forward, to sprain his ankle, tragically removing him from the contest.

Though the essence of the Great Leader’s ambrosial breath, administered to Johnson by team doctors, healed him to a heroic return late in the second half, in time to amass 47 points and 39 rebounds, UNC was left without one of its finest players for much of the game.

This was not enough, however, to slow the Odyssey of the Dear Leader and the Team, as Marcus Paige offset the loss by shooting 97-104 from three for the rest of the game, a heavenly blue glow visible around his resplendent figure. Additionally, at the urging of the Superior Leader, hearty and unyielding freshman Kennedy Meeks swelled to five times his natural size to control the interior, so inspired was he by the suffering of his comrade.

Seeing their chances dwindle late in the game, Iowa State’s avaricious coaches attempted to unfairly influence the contest by offering kinky and monstrous temptations to the referees. Despite the nefarious gambit, the Tar Heels were nonetheless assured victory by the Blessing of the Divine Spirit of the Eternal Coach Dean Smith, whose heavenly wisdom was whispered into the mind of Roy Williams, the Ever-Victorious, Iron-Willed Commander.

Having seen their inevitable defeat come to pass as the buzzer sounded, the Iowa State team returned to its locker room to engage in opulent and grotesque rituals of shame.

After the Oath of Allegiance to the University was recited by all following the victory, Respected Leader Roy Williams said: “May UNC forever rain discomfort on the head of its devilish enemies. We await another illustrious triumph in our Sweet-Sixteen matchup with Connecticut.”

Again, the final score of the contest was was UNC 514, Iowa State 54. Those who make aberrant statements to the contrary will be detained and corrected by the Highest Authority of the Dear Leader’s Alumni Council.

Glory to the Fatherland. Go Heels.