During March Madness, North Korean college basketball analyst Jin Mee Kim is following the UNC men’s team in the NCAA tournament. Working on special assignment for The Minor, Jin Mee is a veteran Pyongyang journalist and recipient of the 2007 Kim Jong-Il Award for Transcendent Writing in the Glorification of the Workers’ Party of Korea. He will offer his insights and perspectives on the Tar Heels as the team looks to advance through the bracket.
Jin Mee Kim | The Minor
By the peerless vision of Perfect Leader Roy Williams, the Exalted UNC Men’s Basketball Team was victorious in its round-of-32 game against the Cyclones of squalid and inbred Iowa State. The final score was UNC 514, Iowa State 54. Any rumors to contrary are untruthful and treasonous to the Fatherland of Chapel Hill.
The splendid and noble triumph was not without challenges.
Of Iowa State’s roster of debauched and slothful players, one of the least unskillful, Georges Niang, was not suited for competition, having deservedly broken his foot by kicking an old woman into traffic in celebration following his team’s first round win. To offset the disadvantage, fork-tongued Iowa State coach Fred Hoiberg ordered a naughty and unrighteous deed: 14 minutes in the game, degenerate low-post oaf Daniel Edoize deliberately caused Brice Johnson, UNC’s hale and spirited 8′ 2″ power forward, to sprain his ankle, tragically removing him from the contest.
Though the essence of the Great Leader’s ambrosial breath, administered to Johnson by team doctors, healed him to a heroic return late in the second half, in time to amass 47 points and 39 rebounds, UNC was left without one of its finest players for much of the game.
This was not enough, however, to slow the Odyssey of the Dear Leader and the Team, as Marcus Paige offset the loss by shooting 97-104 from three for the rest of the game, a heavenly blue glow visible around his resplendent figure. Additionally, at the urging of the Superior Leader, hearty and unyielding freshman Kennedy Meeks swelled to five times his natural size to control the interior, so inspired was he by the suffering of his comrade.
Seeing their chances dwindle late in the game, Iowa State’s avaricious coaches attempted to unfairly influence the contest by offering kinky and monstrous temptations to the referees. Despite the nefarious gambit, the Tar Heels were nonetheless assured victory by the Blessing of the Divine Spirit of the Eternal Coach Dean Smith, whose heavenly wisdom was whispered into the mind of Roy Williams, the Ever-Victorious, Iron-Willed Commander.
Having seen their inevitable defeat come to pass as the buzzer sounded, the Iowa State team returned to its locker room to engage in opulent and grotesque rituals of shame.
After the Oath of Allegiance to the University was recited by all following the victory, Respected Leader Roy Williams said: “May UNC forever rain discomfort on the head of its devilish enemies. We await another illustrious triumph in our Sweet-Sixteen matchup with Connecticut.”
Again, the final score of the contest was was UNC 514, Iowa State 54. Those who make aberrant statements to the contrary will be detained and corrected by the Highest Authority of the Dear Leader’s Alumni Council.
Glory to the Fatherland. Go Heels.