Frugal Freshman Uses Conditioner to Masturbate


CHAPEL HILL, NC–Calling together a suite meeting this evening, Freshman biology major Michael Chandler informed his suitemates that he has been masturbating using Garnier Fructis hair-conditioner for the past week, unable to afford his usual bottle of Vaseline Aloe Fresh hand-moisturizer.

“It doesn’t feel as good, but it’s more affordable,” Chandler told them over dinner at Lenoir. “College is a time when you grow up and learn fiscal responsibility. I think this is one lesson among many.”

Chandler, who used hair-conditioner for the first time while his roommate was at BUSI-101 class on Tuesday morning, said it was a crisis decision that has since paid off.

“I gathered all of the essentials: laptop, tissues, and my Aloe Fresh,” he said, “but when the time came, I realized that the moisturizer my mom had bought me at the beginning of the year had run out.”

Chandler, after searching his room for other alternatives, ultimately settled on his Garnier Fructis hair-conditioner, which his mother had also purchased.

“Who knows what would have happened if I hadn’t stumbled on the conditioner,” he said. “I’ve tried Nutella and toothpaste before, but it’s never felt right.”

Stopping by the Walgreens on Franklin in search of a new bottle of Aloe Fresh, Chandler said he realized that masturbatory luxury comes at a price.

“All through high school, my mom kept the house stocked with Aloe Fresh,” he said. “When I looked for it in the store though, it was too expensive. I knew I’d have to settle for the conditioner.”

Sutiemates indicated that they were supportive, albeit a little disappointed.

“Wait, dude, are you fucking masturbating in the shower? Are you serious? It’s a suite shower. It’s for all of us, you dick. I mean do what you need to do, but not in the shower. You’re better than that,” said suitemate Trevor Trozan. “We are all going to miss the Aloe Fresh, I mean we all loved that stuff, but we can do better than the shower.”

At press time, Chandler was taking a shower.