CHAPEL HILL, NC – In keeping with its open, progressive values, UNC-CH’s chapter of the Lambda Chi Alpha fraternity extended membership bids to both young white men and a young black man late yesterday evening.

“We are a fraternity that’s open to all kinds of people,” said Lambda Chi rush chairman Johnson Mathers, who, this time, was open to nine white guys and one black guy.

The black guy, sophomore business major Clay Bradley, reportedly went to Myers Park High School and plays intramural soccer.

Sources report that, in bid discussions earlier yesterday, the brothers of Lambda Chi engaged in the fair, enlightened deliberation they so often exercise when selecting the countless white guys and single black guy they want to call their brothers.

Amid the sea of white Lambda Chi brothers present for the discussions was black guy Corey Timbor, who is expected to graduate this May.

Sources added that, come to think of it, Lambda Chi has a couple of Asian guys, too.

Around campus, many lauded the fraternity’s open-mindedness.

“It’s good to see that, like UNC, the brothers of Lambda Chi are committed to diversity,” said Stephen M. Farmer, Vice Provost for Enrollment and Undergraduate Admissions, who, last year, welcomed 1,054 white guys and 98 black guys to UNC’s 2017 class.

CHAPEL HILL, NC—Saying that she felt “blessed and excited” for the opportunity, UNC freshman Kristin Simmons recently accepted a missionary position offered to her by Gary Brentwood, youth director of the Campus Christians’ Cooperative.

“It’s wonderful to be working under Gary,” said Simmons nervously. “I know that he offered me this position because he wants to spread God’s love.”

Simmons has attended Campus Christians’ Cooperative meetings regularly since last semester.

“I’ve never been in a position like this before, and I know it will take some getting used to,” she said. “The work is intense, and at times, it can even be a little bit tedious. It’s going to be worth it though. Gary says he has faith in me.”

Simmons has attended church all her life, but upon coming to college, she reportedly found herself confronted by feelings of confusion and directionlessness regarding her faith and her life. In that unlikely time, the thirty-one year-old Brentwood saw his opportunity to make a difference.

Casting a discerning eye over the young, trusting members of his youth group, the father of two said that he began imagining Simmons in a missionary position soon after she began attending his twice-weekly Bible studies last fall. However it was only after a long, serious conversation that the two had at over dinner at a local Chili’s franchise after a recent prayer session, when Simmons opened up to her mentor about various doubts and insecurities, that Brentwood offered her the missionary position. Simmons anxiously accepted that night.

The position has since taken Simmons to hot, unfamiliar climes for extended periods, requiring her, she said, to extend herself in ways she hadn’t before in reaching out to underserved regions.

“It was a little bit painful at first, and I know a lot of my friends didn’t get it,” she said, “but Gary told me to pray about it, and that’s eased my heart over time. Gary is better at [preying] than anyone I’ve ever met.”

“To be honest, this position is still a little bit overwhelming to me at times,” she said, “and I know it’s not exactly the kind of thing that my parents would be crazy about, but it’s what Gary says God is calling me to do right now. I still feel like I don’t always know what to do, but I’m blessed to have Gary to guide me.”

Simmons said that, at this point, her youth group leader has even suggested that she might be “called to serve” in other positions in the near future. “I hope this is the start of a long, beautiful walk of faith,” she said.

“With God,” she added.

Though Brentwood described his selection process for the missionary position as “casual,” he said that he gave careful consideration to several other members of the Campus Christians’ Cooperative before ultimately offering the position to Simmons.

“No question, Kristin’s acceptance of this position was rooted in her faith,” he said. “People like me are blessed to know such trusting souls.”

Brentwood added that, following the success he’s had with Simmons, he has not ruled out offering similar positions to other youth group members in the near future.

Today, UNC suspended the research of Mary Willingham, a reading specialist and former athletic tutor. Earlier in the week, Willingham contacted a CNN reporter with data showing low literacy rates among athletes on the UNC football and basketball teams. Administrators say that Willingham has violated Institutional Research Board policies by divulging the names of students involved in her research, which she was prompted to do by Jim Dean, vice chancellor and provost, after her contact with CNN. The administration has disputed Willingham’s findings, citing much higher student-athlete literacy rates over the period of her research. What’s your take?

“I’m excited to follow the discussion in The Daily Tar Heel’s comment section, where I know this complicated issue will be dealt with sensitively and rationally.”

Martha Dowell, ’16, History

“This situation is not as bad as it is being described. The fact is that from 2003 to 2012, only 34 UNC student-athletes failed a basic literacy test entering college. That’s not so bad.”

Carol Folt, Chancellor

“I hope my research into literacy rates on the club handball team doesn’t get this political.”

Len Schrader-Platt, Master’s Candidate, Education

by Executive Vice Chancellor and Provost Jim Dean

Fulks, I knew mny of u, lke my, r upset bi nuws that UNC studont-athfletes cn’t reed good. Their iz a meen book lady, Mary Willengheam, who saes she haz a data showeng that menee UNC steaunant atfleates cn’t reed good. Data meen lot of beg words, nd nuhmburs to. But unitil lady cnn teech me 2 reed theez data, eym nt taking her alegazacions veree sereiously. Niether shood u.

Me juic went to sey, the alegazacions bi meen lady r steuped. Meen book lady doo not knw bout fotbol nd  baascketbal sports. She lady! Guy fulk, lke me, knw fotbol n we guod at fotbol. Mi not reed data, so ’till mi can reed mi not have aneething mor to say on the matar.

Unc sport good. Meen lady bad. unc sport run fst, unc sport win! What meen lady du? Reed big book? Hmph. She sez everybodee need too reed big book tew. Me no reed book! Me Dean! Ansd atfletes certainley not need reed big book. They need run, jmp, win!!

Peeple lke unc sport! Mi lke unc sport! Peeple buy many tiket 4 unc! $$$$! Mi tink meen lady talk abaut data, cause meen lady reed n tink she spcial. But shee nit spcial. UNC sport spcial! Tey no reed bg book, n tey win!

Data? Meen lady got frum book, steupid book! Data no take.

CHAPEL HILL, NC — Speaking to an entrepreneurship class, Cliff Thomas, a recent UNC alumnus working at a social media startup in California, described his field as “an always-on innovation space” while a ravenous parasitic worm rooted around in his brain.

“Who wants to be the next Zuckerburg?” began an enthusiastic Thomas, propping his feet up on the table in front of him and tilting his sunglasses back on his head as the worm delved deep into the hub of his central nervous system.

“I’ve run multiple Twitter and Facebook accounts for Fortune 100 brands,” he said as the worm wove its way through his frontal lobe, eating into the social media entrepreneur’s mind, “and what I have found, time and time again, is you have to be on top of your stuff. All the way from brainstorming, to mock-up, to delivery, things move fast. If you take a one-size-fits-none approach, you’re going to be behind the eight-ball in today’s social landscape.”

“The startup culture is intense,” continued the blazer-and-jeans-clad, worm-addled Thomas, “but I can tell you firsthand that it’s work hard, play hard. If you want into the game, everything starts with connections, and connections start on your social platforms. Networking is super crucial, and the payoff can be gnarly if you play your cards right.”

Thomas advocated constant connection with social media and recommended that students keep abreast of social media trends as the worm wiggled through his brain scrambling countless facets of his cognitive function.

“Tech channels move at the speed of innovation,” said Thomas as the parasite attached itself to his Broca’s area, feasting with reckless disregard. “If you’re not plugged in, then you’re falling behind. You have to constantly be asking yourself: Does my personal brand have what it takes to go viral?”

Thomas momentarily paused to check his phone as it buzzed with a message alert.

“What is social media? It’s connection at its purest form,” concluded the man whose thoughts were completely at the mercy of the worm. “Social media is the key to a successful entrepreneurial venture.”

CHAPEL HILL, NC – A recent report from the UNC Sustainability Office shows that the reserves of sustainability at UNC are being consumed at an alarming rate and could be depleted by 2022.

“Sustainability is quickly running out on campus,” said Cindy Pollock Shea, Director of the UNC Sustainability Office and lead author of the report. “Everyone from undergraduate activists to respected environmental and public policy researchers has become dependent on sustainability in countless aspects of their lives. The rate at which UNC uses sustainability is simply unsustainable.”

Following the sustainability boom of the mid-2000’s, UNC was among many universities that began devoting mass amounts of resources to sustainability. But Shea suspected problems early on.

“When the Sustainability Living-Learning Community opened in partnership with UNC Housing, I saw we were on a crash course,” she said. “And it’s only gotten worse with the Carolina Bicycle Coalition, the Environmental Law Project, the Greek Sustainability Council, the Environmental Affairs Committee, the Green Games, and HOPE Gardens ramping up their work.”

Veeral Saraiya, Sustainability Chair of the Graduate and Professional Student Federation, is among many on campus who have called attention to the implications of the report, which she says are broader than many realize.

“I’m glad the report is finally bringing attention to the issue, but it does come near capturing the full scope of the problem,” Saraiya said, noting that the research does not fully account for the heavy sustainability usage of the Net Impact Club, the Energy Club, EcoReps, CURB: New Urbanism, FLO Food, Epsilon Eta, Nourish International, the Zimride Ride Share Tool, the Carolina Green Pledge, UNC’s Climate Action Plan, the Renewable Energy Special Projects Committee (RESPC), the Roosevelt Institute for Energy and Environmental Policy, the Campus Sustainability Report, the Student Environmental Action Coalition (SEAC),  and the Kenan-Flagler Business School: Center for Sustainable Enterprise.

“If the university continues to overuse and rely this heavily on sustainability, most of UNC’s campus will be covered with solar panels by the year 2018,” she said.

Around campus, reactions to the report have been strong.

“This is eye-opening,” said student organizer Crispin Plesants. “I recently founded a student group dedicated to promoting sustainable lifestyles on campus, and our next meeting will be devoted entirely to tackling this issue.”

Amidst the widespread alarm, Larry Spoekler of the Foundation for Sustainable Development was among the few who defended current sustainability usage on campus.

“Look, this isn’t the sustainability your parents grew up on,” said Spoekler, “this is a highly refined and processed version of the crude environmentalism used in the seventies. Sure, we’re using more sustainability now, but we’re getting more out of it than ever before.”

Spoekler cited organizations like the MakeMeSustainable Carbon Calculator and Social Network, A Drink For Tomorrow, the Sierra Student Coalition, and Students Working in the Environment for Active Transformation (SWEAT) as examples of those using sustaninbility sustainably.

When asked in an emergency meeting of the Vice-Chancellor’s Sustainability Advisory Committee how the trends highlighted in her report might shape UNC’s future, Shea suggested that radical reform will soon be in order.

“Sure, sustainability is cleaner than it was, say, forty years ago,” she said, “but we cannot remain dependent until the last drop of sustainability is used up. We need a shift to a more viable bridge fuel, like entrepreneurship. Now there’s something this school can mine for years.”

CHAPEL HILL, NC — According to newly released text messages and emails, top aides within the administration of Student Body President Christy Lambden ordered multiple line closings at Lenoir Dining Hall last semester as retribution against the student group FLO (Fair, Local, Organic) after it did not support Lambden in his SBP campaign.

“Time for some traffic problems at Lenoir,” read one text message from Lambden aide Julianna Tisdale to Bill Salazar, a Lambden appointee at Carolina Dining Services. Another message mocked hungry students stuck in the back-up, saying, “Those are the mouths of Lindsey voters.”

The line closings caused those waiting for dining hall service to be backed up to Graham Memorial. Many students were forced to skip class to get food, and one freshman with extremely low blood sugar was rushed to the nearby UNC hospitals. Lambden has said that his aide orchestrated the closings without his knowledge.

In a statement Christy called the actions, “deplorable.”

“I am outraged and deeply saddened to learn that not only was I misled by members of my staff, but this completely inappropriate and unsanctioned conduct was made without my knowledge,” Lambden said. “One thing is clear: This type of behavior is unacceptable, and I will not tolerate it because the people of UNC deserve better. This behavior is not representative of me or my administration in any way, and people will be held responsible for their actions.”

Documents revealed to The Minor last Friday show that many members of Lambden’s campaign and staff were deeply involved in the scandal and its cover-up, conspiring to pass off the lines closings as part of a “[Carolina Dining Service] study.”

FLO, whose support Lambden expected in his campaign, had surprisingly endorsed rival candidate Will Lindsey during last year’s election, causing “serious concern,” according to sources close to Christy’s campaign.

“We made our decision,” said Emily Magoll, president of FLO, of her organization’s endorsement. “That was in the past. What Christy’s administration has done is unconscionable. This is not how government is supposed to work.”

Lambden is expected to visit Lenoir tomorrow to apologize to dining hall patrons.