DURHAM, NC—As the Duke men’s basketball team readies itself to host North Carolina tonight, the team’s Shaman, the Footman of Satan, is preparing to do battle against the angelic spirit of Dean Smith, which Duke’s coach Mike Krzyzewski fears will tilt the odds in North Carolina’s favor.
“I see Dean sleeping and waking,” said Krzyzewski. “I know that such a powerful and holy force cannot go unanswered. My pact with Beelzebub secured my thousandth win, but I will need older, darker magic to stop Dean. That’s why I turned to the Footman of Satan; he is capable of unspeakable sorcery.”
As Duke’s shaman poured a mixture of goat’s blood and human ashes around Cameron Indoor Stadium, he explained that a variety of spells and enchantments would be performed to repel any angelic host which might seek to aid the Tar Heels.
“Dean Smith is surely among the highest orders of seraphim. If his spirit guides the hearts and hands of Carolina Basketball, they will triumph. I have filled wild pigs with the spirits of fallen angels and animated the campus’ gargoyles to patrol the land and sky, to wage unholy war against the forces of good,” he said.
Duke’s shaman ordered each Duke player to bathe in curdled milk as he recited unintelligible and demonic verses, then he fed each of them the heart of a rooster killed at midnight, hoping in this way to “make them forget their mother’s love and anything that might make them remember good and doubt the power of Satan; the power of Duke.”
Krzyzewski supported these measures, saying, “Every evening I look towards Chapel Hill and I see a celestial glow, I hear the divine whispers of Dean Smith carried on the wind, and I know that Carolina will be made unstoppable by the aid of that benevolent ghost. I cannot challenge him in his seat of power, but I must stop him from piercing the veil of evil which shrouds Duke. This must remain a land untouched by light, untouched by good.”
Duke’s shaman explained that he has selected one of Duke’s many applicants from New Jersey to sacrifice at center court before the game, “someone whose fresh blood will satisfy the devil.”
While snow fell outside, hopes for the future of the University fell inside The Daily Tar Heel, as the last standing SBP candidates sat to answer questions on the eve of the runoff election. Things got up close and uncomfortable in the offices of campus’s second-leading newspaper, as candidates faced new and unconventional debate formats, including a battle rap segment and an Iron-Chef-inspired cook-off with the secret ingredient: yogurt!
We recap the evening’s key moments:
– Houston Summers advocated for fewer “silos” in the organization of UNC’s administration. Fellow SBP candidate Red Army Field General Georgy Zhukov retorted that fewer silos would cause anemic grain production, which he swore that his dictatorship of the proletariat would oppose.
– Responding to the more than 10% of the electorate who dissented by writing in Zora Neale Hurston on the first SBP ballot, Summers defended himself by highlighting the diversity of his campaign. “I think the key is to surround yourself with a diverse team and diverse ideas, which we have done with our diverse member,” he said, pointing to one advisor near the front of the room. “I mean, look at him. Look how diverse he is.”
– Walker responded to the same critique in even stronger terms, avowing that she has been “down with the struggle” for as long as she could recall. She went on to quote Amiri Baraka extensively. “Not a White Shadow/ But Black People/ Will be Victorious…” she concluded.
– Walker built a strong argument for her relative strength against Summers with key statistics, such as her opponent’s 6.01 ERA in the minor leagues. “What kind of weak shit is that?” Walker rhetorically questioned.
– She went on to authoritatively respond to the suggestion that her role as head of the College Republicans evinces a political agenda at odds with the interests of UNC students. “Just because I’m a Republican doesn’t mean I can’t support pro-choice, LGBT-rights, and minority-empowerment causes,” she said. “It means I don’t support any of those things.”
“It means I literally, actively stand against them,” she clarified.
– With red Solo cups in front of them, the forum moderators relieved their boredom with the candidates by taking a drink every time someone employed vague, empty rhetoric about “communication” or “togetherness.” Both were drunk by the end of the evening.
Nikita Shamdasani appeared to drink even more, trying to erase the thought of how easily she would have won the election if she had run against this year’s field.
– After a heated back-and-forth exchange in which the candidates finally revealed key differences in their platforms, with Walker charging “I’ve got to get home,” and “Say, lend me your comb,” and Summers retorting “But baby, you’ll freeze out there,” and “It’s up to your knees out there,” the candidates at last reached common ground, standing up from their chairs, pushing their desk aside, and declaring in unison, “Baby it’s cold…Baby it’s cold outside!”
They clasped hands and held the final note cheek-to-cheek as the crowd rose up and carried them down an empty, beautifully frozen Franklin Street.
DURHAM, NC–Though light snow and ice are predicted to fall over the Triangle this evening, and some forecasts call for wintery precipitation to continue through Wednesday, Duke men’s basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski says the weather should not delay Wednesday’s game against UNC-Chapel Hill at Cameron Indoor Stadium.
“I have personally called their bus driver and asked him to leave early that morning,” he said.
He suggested that it would be ridiculous, “some might even say Machiavellian,” for the Tar Heels to use the adverse conditions to delay an important away game, but that Duke employees have salted all the roads and sidewalks leading to Cameron Indoor, “just in case anything especially nasty comes up.”
Coach K reminded reporters that the Duke and UNC campuses are separated by just eight miles of well-maintained highway. The four-time NCAA champion said that he has called both Durham and Chapel Hill governments to make especially sure that the roads from UNC to Duke are clear, and to make sure a police and snowplow escort is ready for the UNC team bus if need be.
“And if they still can’t make it on their own, we’ll send a bus for them,” he said.
“If you aren’t prepared, you might as well be trying to have the game fall through,” Coach K added. “That’s what I’ve always said.”
CHAPEL HILL, NC—Leading a group of parents and prospective students across Polk Place this Thursday, junior admissions ambassador Tyler Harris became increasingly certain that everyone on the tour knew he was high, so high.
Harris began to suspect that people knew of his increased state of awareness when a girl in a North Mecklenburg cross country T-shirt asked him whether it was difficult to balance a social life and academics.
“No man, there’s time for everything,” Harris said, wondering whether the girl, standing in the front row, could tell his eyes were red. “Why would you ask me that? I balance stuff just fine, you know?”
As Harris’ group filed past him into Lenoir Hall, Harris took a moment to sniff his alpaca hoodie, trying to determine if he still smelled like marijuana. Harris could not smell anything, but he was too high to know for sure. Harris normally smoked a bowl before tours, but maybe hot-boxing Max’s car hadn’t been a good idea.
Harris squinted as he talked to the group in the Pit. It was bright, and he really wanted to rub his eyes, but worried that would give it away.
“One of the unique things about UNC is our first-year seminar program. It lets first-year students take smaller classes on a variety of subjects. I became a geography major after I took a first-year seminar and fell in love with the department,” said Harris, afraid the parents of the nerdy looking kid from Vermont were whispering about how high he was.
Were they whispering about him? What if they know? Oh shit, oh shit, he thought, as he walked towards Davis Library.
The stop in Davis Library was especially nerve-racking for Harris, who always thought the bald dude at Circulation looked at him funny. Today though he was surely staring. Why was he staring? Harris tugged at his hoodie, trying to adopt a sober-looking pose, but he could not be sure if his volume was appropriate.
Why were they all leaning in? Why did they care so much if he was high? Everyone needed to chill.
As the group walked toward the Old Well, Harris looked wistfully at the benches next to the Steele Building. He wished he could just sit down for a minute. Maybe, Harris thought, he should stop smoking dank shit like Northern Lights if it was going to be a heavy tour day.
A couple and their son split off from the group. Were they going to tell someone he was high? What a dick move. Harris shot a look at the South Building, hoping he could finish this tour as soon as possible.
He fingered the pill bottle he had in his pocket, which still held two joints. He really needed to light one up and just relax.
There is only one clear choice for student body president this year, Soviet Red Army Field General Georgy Zhukov.
Some will say, those bourgeois fools, that we, The Minor, have chosen to endorse Comrade Zhukov because he is currently standing in our offices, marching his soldiers through our conference rooms, ripping down the poop jokes we had written for next week.
We say this is preposterous.
Some will say, stupidly, that we fear for our own lives as Zhukov takes our editors to task for their articles aimed at a silent and unmoving campus left, one that is constantly talking but never acting. They will say that we are writing this article as a plea for help, for someone to please, for the love of God, come help us from the reign of terror that Zhukov is imposing upon us. That we write this article asking someone to save us from his soldiers who have barrels posed to our heads as we type out this endorsement.
They will continue, idiotically, to contend that we had plans to endorse another candidate when Zhukov came to our doors, overthrowing our armed guards and planting the Soviet flag in the dead body of our senior writer Craig.
They are wrong.
We endorse Zhukov for his power, for his persistence and for his impressive plan to galvanize a campus-wide revolt for the people.
Rise Red comrades and pray for all that stand in Zhukov’s path.
The letter printed below, sent by Thom Tillis to Kathryn Walker, was leaked to the Minor by an anonymous source.
by Thom Tillis | The Minor
The Republican party, both here in Washington and at home in Raleigh, is grinning with pride. There is now no escape, my young apprentice, from our growing empire.
We have taken great care in watching your rise. The way you have doped these silly liberals into believing that you, head of UNC Young Republicans, could be the most liberal candidate. That you, aligning yourself with my campaign which called for a reevaluation of the Department of Education, pell grants and federal aid for low-income and disabled college students, could possibly win the hearts of those same pathetic plebeians! I have trained you so well, Kathryn.
Somehow I am not surprised though, those fools.
There can only be two North Carolina senators at once and soon enough Burr will fall to either his own insignificance or stupidity and you shall rise to my side to rule this state with the invisible iron fist of the free market.
Soon enough you will be among my underlings at the Board of Governors and not have to hide behind the false values of the liberal bubble of Chapel Hill. You will be able to speak of what is needed for this university—cuts. They do not know they are electing their own demise.
You have fooled them well, Kathryn, and soon enough this state will be ours.
CHAPEL HILL, NC – In the student body president race, voters need wish for a candidate on the left no longer. All across campus today, UNC students awoke to find telegrams on their doorsteps announcing the campaign of Red Army Field General Georgy Zhukov. The notices invited all members of the proletariat student class to attend “a rally for Comrade Zhukov on the main quad at 11:00AM sharp – dissenters will be shot.”
By 10:45, General Zhukov was seen preparing on the quad. He stood atop a massive grandstand that had been erected the night before, which was covered in hammer and sickle images over the silhouette of the Old Well. A thin scattering of students shuffling between classes attended the rally.
“I have collected the signatures of two million peasants, and that filthy democratic Student Congress must put me on the ballot,” Zhukov began at precisely the appointed hour. “The people have spoken.”
After a few opening remarks thanking the Motherland, Communism, and the Working Class, Zhukov quickly came down upon the Candidate from the Campus Left for being overly intellectual. Though he said he appreciated the decision not to participate in the democratic process, Zhukov criticized weak leadership in the left, saying that there is “no place in the Soviet order for tea-drinking, soft-willed Trotskyites.”
“I grew up in poverty, apprenticing as a furrier – I can connect with you, citizens,” said Zhukov, “not like that Candidate from the Campus Left, who, even if he did exist, would eat expensive caviar and discuss lofty Marxist ideals. I spit on him.”
“This campus needs a strong leader,” Zhukov said as the sun gleamed off his myriad medals.
Zhukov said that his track record–from his fearless service in the Russian Civil War following the Bolshevik Revolution, to his decisive command of Soviet forces in the defense of Moscow in 1941 and the assault on Berlin in 1945–made him the best candidate for UNC’s student body president.
Speaking emphatically in Russian, translated to English by a uniformed man at his side, Zhukov outlined his platform for the office.
He said that, unlike SBP candidates David Marsh, Kathryn Walker, and Houston Summers, he does support a Student Congress resolution condemning the Board of Governors for the firing of Tom Ross–condemning them specifically, he said, to “ten-years labor in a Carrboro gulag.”
He said that Student Congress should be disbanded immediately following the resolution, and its members sentenced to the same gulag.
As for how he would advocate student interests to the increasingly indifferent General Assembly, Zhukov said that he would simply call for a meeting between himself and ranking Republicans so they could talk things out face-to-face.
At the end of the meeting, he said, he would stand up and accuse the congressmen of being “anti-Party, anti-socialist, imperialist, and sowers of division,” which would be the signal for special forces positioned outside the room to burst in and detain them. Describing the tactic as “effective against Beria,” Zhukov said he expected the detainees would be executed following a swift military tribunal, which he would personally oversee.
Zhukov blasted the current Student Body President for failing to take such decisive action, describing Andrew Powell as “[a] prostitute to the Chancellor, capitalism, and democracy.”
He attributed his own strength to his mother, who he said could carry an eighty kilogram bag of wheat on one shoulder.
Later in the speech, Zhukov outlined further platform issues: increasing the University’s grain production five-fold, renaming Saunders Hall to “The Great Learning Hall of Venerable Comrade Stalin,” and creating “One Carolina” under the iron will of the proletariat.
Zhukov called for work-study programs to be available and, in fact, compulsory for all students, and said that they would swiftly transition to “work-work programs.”
He also called for death to “the kulak class,” by which he clarified he meant students in the Kenan-Flagler Business School.
Though he promised the disbanding of the current UNC administration, he mentioned that he would likely retain “Comrade” Gene Nichol, director of the poverty center, outspoken critic of the General Assemby, and “true friend of the Motherland,” as his head of his Workers’ and Peasants’ Inspectorate.
Zhukov reiterated that, with the will of the student proletariat on his side, he would not let the Board of Governors, the General Assembly, the oppression of the bourgeoisie, the democratic process, or the Hun menace stand in his way.
“If I, son of a peasant shoemaker, could be Hero of the Soviet Union, I can be Hero of UNC,” he said.
As of press time, General Zhukov was not on the final ballot of student body president candidates. He said this would not deter his campaign.