Breaking Election 2015: Red Army Field General Georgy Zhukov Enters the Race

CHAPEL HILL, NC – In the student body president race, voters need wish for a candidate on the left no longer. All across campus today, UNC students awoke to find telegrams on their doorsteps announcing the campaign of Red Army Field General Georgy Zhukov. The notices invited all members of the proletariat student class to attend “a rally for Comrade Zhukov on the main quad at 11:00AM sharp – dissenters will be shot.”

By 10:45, General Zhukov was seen preparing on the quad. He stood atop a massive grandstand that had been erected the night before, which was covered in hammer and sickle images over the silhouette of the Old Well. A thin scattering of students shuffling between classes attended the rally.

“I have collected the signatures of two million peasants, and that filthy democratic Student Congress must put me on the ballot,” Zhukov began at precisely the appointed hour. “The people have spoken.”

After a few opening remarks thanking the Motherland, Communism, and the Working Class, Zhukov quickly came down upon the Candidate from the Campus Left for being overly intellectual. Though he said he appreciated the decision not to participate in the democratic process, Zhukov criticized weak leadership in the left, saying that there is “no place in the Soviet order for tea-drinking, soft-willed Trotskyites.”

“I grew up in poverty, apprenticing as a furrier – I can connect with you, citizens,” said Zhukov, “not like that Candidate from the Campus Left, who, even if he did exist, would eat expensive caviar and discuss lofty Marxist ideals. I spit on him.”

“This campus needs a strong leader,” Zhukov said as the sun gleamed off his myriad medals.

Zhukov said that his track record–from his fearless service in the Russian Civil War following the Bolshevik Revolution, to his decisive command of Soviet forces in the defense of Moscow in 1941 and the assault on Berlin in 1945–made him the best candidate for UNC’s student body president.

Speaking emphatically in Russian, translated to English by a uniformed man at his side, Zhukov outlined his platform for the office.

He said that, unlike SBP candidates David Marsh, Kathryn Walker, and Houston Summers, he does support a Student Congress resolution condemning the Board of Governors for the firing of Tom Ross–condemning them specifically, he said, to “ten-years labor in a Carrboro gulag.”

He said that Student Congress should be disbanded immediately following the resolution, and its members sentenced to the same gulag.

As for how he would advocate student interests to the increasingly indifferent General Assembly, Zhukov said that he would simply call for a meeting between himself and ranking Republicans so they could talk things out face-to-face.

At the end of the meeting, he said, he would stand up and accuse the congressmen of being “anti-Party, anti-socialist, imperialist, and sowers of division,” which would be the signal for special forces positioned outside the room to burst in and detain them. Describing the tactic as “effective against Beria,” Zhukov said he expected the detainees would be executed following a swift military tribunal, which he would personally oversee.

Zhukov blasted the current Student Body President for failing to take such decisive action, describing Andrew Powell as “[a] prostitute to the Chancellor, capitalism, and democracy.”

He attributed his own strength to his mother, who he said could carry an eighty kilogram bag of wheat on one shoulder.

Later in the speech, Zhukov outlined further platform issues: increasing the University’s grain production five-fold, renaming Saunders Hall to “The Great Learning Hall of Venerable Comrade Stalin,” and creating “One Carolina” under the iron will of the proletariat.

Zhukov called for work-study programs to be available and, in fact, compulsory for all students, and said that they would swiftly transition to “work-work programs.”

He also called for death to “the kulak class,” by which he clarified he meant students in the Kenan-Flagler Business School.

Though he promised the disbanding of the current UNC administration, he mentioned that he would likely retain “Comrade” Gene Nichol, director of the poverty center, outspoken critic of the General Assemby, and “true friend of the Motherland,” as his head of his Workers’ and Peasants’ Inspectorate.

Zhukov reiterated that, with the will of the student proletariat on his side, he would not let the Board of Governors, the General Assembly, the oppression of the bourgeoisie, the democratic process, or the Hun menace stand in his way.

“If I, son of a peasant shoemaker, could be Hero of the Soviet Union, I can be Hero of UNC,” he said.

As of press time, General Zhukov was not on the final ballot of student body president candidates. He said this would not deter his campaign.