DURHAM, NC—As the Duke men’s basketball team readies itself to host North Carolina tonight, the team’s Shaman, the Footman of Satan, is preparing to do battle against the angelic spirit of Dean Smith, which Duke’s coach Mike Krzyzewski fears will tilt the odds in North Carolina’s favor.
“I see Dean sleeping and waking,” said Krzyzewski. “I know that such a powerful and holy force cannot go unanswered. My pact with Beelzebub secured my thousandth win, but I will need older, darker magic to stop Dean. That’s why I turned to the Footman of Satan; he is capable of unspeakable sorcery.”
As Duke’s shaman poured a mixture of goat’s blood and human ashes around Cameron Indoor Stadium, he explained that a variety of spells and enchantments would be performed to repel any angelic host which might seek to aid the Tar Heels.
“Dean Smith is surely among the highest orders of seraphim. If his spirit guides the hearts and hands of Carolina Basketball, they will triumph. I have filled wild pigs with the spirits of fallen angels and animated the campus’ gargoyles to patrol the land and sky, to wage unholy war against the forces of good,” he said.
Duke’s shaman ordered each Duke player to bathe in curdled milk as he recited unintelligible and demonic verses, then he fed each of them the heart of a rooster killed at midnight, hoping in this way to “make them forget their mother’s love and anything that might make them remember good and doubt the power of Satan; the power of Duke.”
Krzyzewski supported these measures, saying, “Every evening I look towards Chapel Hill and I see a celestial glow, I hear the divine whispers of Dean Smith carried on the wind, and I know that Carolina will be made unstoppable by the aid of that benevolent ghost. I cannot challenge him in his seat of power, but I must stop him from piercing the veil of evil which shrouds Duke. This must remain a land untouched by light, untouched by good.”
Duke’s shaman explained that he has selected one of Duke’s many applicants from New Jersey to sacrifice at center court before the game, “someone whose fresh blood will satisfy the devil.”