CHAPEL HILL, NC— Bain and Company, a Boston-based business consulting firm, held its annual case race competition for UNC-Chapel Hill students last Friday. Teams of participants devised and demonstrated strategies to drink a case of beer in the least amount of time possible.

In the first round of the competition, twenty student teams spent a week preparing a fifteen minute presentation of the fastest way for three people to finish a 24-pack beer of Keystone Light.

“We partnered with Keystone Light to hopefully bring a refreshing and powerful experience to students here at UNC-Chapel Hill,” said Tyler Scheffer, a Bain employee. “We’re excited to see the results.”

Competitors were told to make educated assumptions about certain key data points as they worked to provide innovative solutions to the problem and then enact them during the presentation.

“A lot depends on who’s on your team,” said Steven Chu, a junior in the Kenan-Flagler business school. “Best-case scenario, you have a couple of frat stars who can shotgun three beers right off the bat. Worst case, you’ve got nobody who can shotgun more than one. If your team can’t finish half the beers in the first 10 minutes, you’re definitely at a strategic disadvantage.”

Many competitors echoed Chu’s assessment, and most said they expected parity among the case race teams.

“There are only four Beta guys in the competition, so we assumed that most players will have a similar base-line beer drinking ability,” said David Andrews, a brother at Sigma Alpha Epsilon. “We can’t all be ringers.”

Many of the teams reported putting in long hours in the days before the final presentation.

“My team has put in, like, 50 hours this week,” said a haggard and hung-over Jack Warner. “At first we experimented with opening all the beers at the beginning to get rid of carbonation. Then we poured the beer into cups to chug faster. Our slide deck is great, perfect gradient choices and all, but I don’t know if our solution is strong enough.”

In the first round, teams demonstrated their case race strategies to a panel of Kenan-Flagler professors, which selected the three strongest teams to demonstrate before a panel of Bain executives, as well as an executive of Coors Brewing Company, the parent company of Keystone Light.

The final round took place in an auditorium in Kenan-Flagler business school. The three final teams gathered around 24-count cases of Keystone Light sitting on folding tables. Their Powerpoints were behind them, ready to display graphs, case studies, and an impressive array of appendix slides. The beer was at room temperature, as the teams requested, so that it would sit lighter on the stomach.

The race began with all teams shotgunning, leaving the suits and ties of the competitors soaked.

The teams remained neck-and-neck until the competitors reached their fourth beer, when Jack Henson stumbled to the edge of the stage and vomited. His team was disqualified and his exit was met by contemptuous looks from the panel.

Karen Walker, a partner a the firm who was judging the contest, said it was a disappointing ending to a promising presentation.

“We saw a lot of promise in [that team], but mistakes like that are not going to get you a first-round interview,” explained Walker. “People at Bain can hold their shit.”

Jason Merill, Aaron Pierce, and Daniel Wingrave won the case competition, showcasing their ability to down the Keystone Light case in a tight 35 minutes.

“What can I say,” Merill said, “we have great synergy.”

For their performance, the three were presented with honorary gift cards to the Chapel Hill bar Pantana Bob’s, which Bain officials said they hoped would help the students”keep up the good work” until they graduated. While Bain officials would not say whether they had further plans for the winning young men, they indicated that outstanding performance in the case competition would weigh favorably when it came to offering interviews for junior associate positions with the company.

“As an undergraduate, working on cases in an environment like this is the best preparation you can get for Bain,” said Chris Spencer, Bain executive and the chief organizer of the competition. “I mean, of course, it’s important to remember that these are just cases, and the real world is different, but this is a start.”

“In the real world, we mainly do blow,” he added.

CHAPEL HILL, NC—Standing in front of the vacant Franklin Street storefront that used to hold Qdoba Mexican Grill late last night, sophomore stoners Chris Butler and Tim Marvin held a vigil to remember the recently closed restaurant.

The vigil began on the back porch of Marvin’s apartment earlier that night. The pair, after smoking two bowls, were discussing possible places to eat.

“I said, ‘let’s go to Qdoba,’ and he said, ‘perfect.’ Then we got here and we saw it was closed, and not just because someone threw up in there, but it was, like, closed forever,” Butler said. “We knew we had to hold a vigil immediately.”

Holding up his lighter in solemn remembrance, Butler spoke first.

“Damn this cruel world,” he said, looking into the windows, seeing empty space and the reflection of his own face, a small tear running down it. “You were the best munchy spot and you won’t be forgotten. This is to you, Qdoba.”

He turned and motioned for Marvin to speak.

“We are here tonight to honor Qdoba, we knew each other really well and I’ll miss you. Chipotle is way too far and isn’t open late. Plus the queso is dope here, I mean, was dope here…damn. We’ll just miss you,” Marvin said.

The two decided to sit in front of Qdoba, trading stories of special moments they had experienced with the restaurant.

“Remember the giant soda machine!?” Marvin said. “There were so many kinds of sodas, there was everything. It was hard to navigate high, but it was so worth it.”

Butler nodded his head and laughed a little, swallowing a sob.

“We need to get it back,” Butler finally said. “We need to do something about this–people give a fuck about this place–it’s special, it’s more than just another Mexican restaurant on Franklin Street. It’s a place for our people, it’s a place that is open late and cares about its customers. And we cared about it. We can’t let it just die. We won’t le—“

A large grumble emitted from his stomach, interrupting Butler. The two decided to get some I Love N.Y. Pizza quickly and continue discussing the matter.

“Love this place,” Marvin said. “We have to keep it around, can’t let ‘em take away this pizza spot. It’s under-appreciated.”

Butler, taking a large bite of his pizza, agreed.

“Glad we had this talk, man. Can’t ever let them take away my New York Pizza.”

CHAPEL HILL, NC— In a continuation of university policy, the winner of the 2014 Miss UNC election will receive 78 cents on every dollar given to her male counterpart towards their respective service project.

“The Mr. and Miss UNC election is dedicated to celebrating the Carolina traditions of scholarship, leadership and philanthropy while preparing our students for the real world,” said General Alumni Association President Walter Folwell. “So, this just seemed accurate.”

“Who wants to get some pizza? We’ve got free pizza,” he added.

The majority of the student body has overlooked the funding gap between Mr. and Miss UNC winners, which has allegedly existed since the inception of the program.

“They win money?” asked sophomore Alyssa Valmer. “I thought it was just a beauty pageant.”

But, some students are calling for change.

“People are saying that whoever wins Mr. UNC should give up his extra funding as an act of solidarity with Miss UNC,” said candidate Randall Mathers. “But would you take away 22% of the benches I’m planning to build for disabled Latino students in Carrboro? I don’t think so.”

At this time, the UNC GAA has yet to announce any plans to reform the program, saying only “[they would] rather not rock the boat.”

The GAA has made no reforms to the program since the change from “Mrs. UNC” to “Miss UNC” in the late 80s.

“The important thing to remember is that Miss UNC is getting funding in the first place,” said Folwell. “Not to mention, I’ve never heard a single one of them say ‘thank you.’”

“Next thing you know Folt will be asking for Thorp’s salary” he added. “Some things just don’t need changing.”

ST. LOUIS, MO–Still wary and visibly exhausted after more than two weeks of lying in wait for the authorities, Holden Thorp, Provost at Washington University in St. Louis and former Chancellor at UNC-Chapel Hill, sat behind the barricaded door of his private study room.

A shotgun lay beside him and he trembled; he had secured himself in the room a few hours before Kenneth Wainstein released the findings of his independent investigation into the academic and athletic scandal at UNC.

Thorp, clad in a fine, soiled grey suit and his trademark Carolina blue tie, whispered to himself.

“They don’t know,” he said. “They won’t find it, they won’t know it was me. I did everything right. I got away. Can’t get me, not old Thorpy. I’m just a Carolina boy. They’ll remember me on keyboard with the Clefs. That’s all they’ll remember.”

He began to cry, and tears met the sweat and grease stains on his tie. The light blue muddled.

He clutched the shotgun to him, and his eyes darted around the room as his hands shook.

“And if they do find me,” he said, “I’ll have something for them.”

Empty bottles of Macallan 21 year-old scotch, tins of Vienna sausages, and vials of prescription amphetamines lay scattered across the floor of the study. His heavy oak desk was overturned. For the first few days after the study’s release, he had not moved from behind it.

The decorated chemist, entrepreneur, inventor, and musician had ripped his router out of the wall and smashed his smartphone just before barricading himself in anticipation of the report’s revelations. His only outside communication was a black landline phone, which had been lying on the floor since he flipped his desk.

The phone rang. In an instant of fury and confusion, Thorp pulled the trigger on his powerful shotgun, hitting a row of books. Pages of Engines of Innovation: The Entrepreneurial University in the 21st Century fluttered in the air around him.

“COME THE FUCK IN YOU PIECES OF SHIT!” he yelled.

The phone rang once more. Dropping the gun and swirling, Thorp stared at the rattling phone before cautiously moving towards it.

He breathed out as he brought the receiver to his ear.

“Roy?” Thorp whimpered.

“You neither? Neither of us?”

Thorp dropped the phone and fell to the floor. He cried like a child, as if for the first time. He felt everything at once, in a wave.

He could still hear the muffled voice of Roy Williams as he yelled, “The Crowder thing worked! Roy, we made it out! Roy, we’re going to survive!”

The phone emitted a dull tone. Williams had hung up.

“Goddamn,” Thorp said at last. “That report must have been some kind of joke. They were never going to get me. I had them all along.”

The 50 year-old provost began to tear down the wood blocking the door, eager to change and shower. It had been a long few weeks.

Having almost forgotten, Thorp crossed the room back to his bookshelf and un-did the booby trap involving the display case with his 1998 Tanner Award for Excellence in Undergraduate Teaching, which he had received shortly after joining the chemistry faculty at UNC.

“Boy, did I pick the right time to leave that place,” he said.

The midterm elections were Tuesday, notably Republican Thom Tillis defeated Kay Hagan in a tight Senate race. Now that the dust has settled, what’s your take?

“Inviting the Sigma Chi guys up to D.C. to do keg stands on the Senate floor with Mitch McConnell. Probably hit up Rand Paul’s gravity bong too. Gonna be a sweet six years.”

Thom Tillis

U.S. Senator from North Carolina

“Young Democrats is sponsoring our bi-annual clipboard bonfire tonight at my house. Everyone should try to come by if they can.”

Thad Wilson

President of UNC Young Democrats

“I’m going to change my name to Khay for the next election.”

Kay Hagan

Former U.S. Senator from North Carolina

CHAPEL HILL, NC – Contrary to first assumptions, the elderly man currently wandering in Polk Place, taking his time to stop at benches and sit for awhile, is not a professor and, instead, just an old man. The evolving situation has caused widespread confusion and panic.

The man was first sighted around 1 p.m., when freshman Jasmine Redding came across him near Dey Hall.

“He was walking towards the middle of the quad when I saw him. I assumed he was headed to his next class, but then he just stopped and looked up at the sky for awhile,” said Redding. “I wonder what he was thinking.”

The man is wearing a light brown sport coat, maybe tweed, maybe wool. Anonymous sources report that he is likely wearing a wedding ring, though that is still unconfirmed. He has a light head of hair and what appears to be a slight hunch. Height is speculated to be around 5’9″, though some sources report figures as high as 6’2″. No comment on weight has yet come in, though early ballpark estimations are in the 150-200 lb range with a pouch-like stomach.

The situation is still unfolding and reports are hard to confirm.

Some say they saw a man eating an egg salad sandwich on a bench for about twenty minutes, before finishing it off with a sip of water from his thermos, unable to fully chew the plain white bread. He then fuddled with the small bag, which had held the sandwich, crumpling it and putting it in his pocket, only to pick up his book on the history of Abraham Lincoln and slowly read it.

Those who saw the man said they thought the behavior seemed un-professor like, but that “maybe he’s just a lecturer or something, I guess I just wasn’t thinking about it. I just wanted to believe it was a professor.”

No one is sure what has led the man to campus.

“Maybe he’s lost,” said Oren Rufter, sophomore Biology major. “I just don’t know what he was thinking coming here and being old and not a professor. He was walking so slowly.”

Helicopters have circled the UNC campus for several hours after the man’s presence was first reported.

“We’ve got 30 SWAT, six snipers and an ATF squad on standby if he tries to pull anything,” said police chief Bradley Donovan, watching the man with hefty black binoculars. “There’s no reason an elderly man should be here, alone, in the middle of the day. Something doesn’t add up. He isn’t an old guy who teaches people about old stuff–he’s just some guy. What the fuck is happening down there!?”

Despite his sniper team’s urging to let them “take the shot”, Donovan is letting the situation unfold, and monitoring any potential changes.

The man was briefly approached by sophomore Hannah Ludgate, who pointedly asked him what he was doing on campus.

“No, I don’t need any help, thank you young lady,” the man replied, shakily waving her off before continuing to circle the Pit for the fifth time.

CHAPEL HILL, NC—In an historically tight election cycle that comes to an end today, [candidate]’s and [other candidate]’s long battle over [big issues, #1, #2, and #3,] ends. It’s been a closely watched election that could change the longterm trajectory of the [body of government].*

*NOTE: (Charles, can we get a stronger lede than this? Give me a snapshot of something like: “[Candidate] enters their [hometown polling location] to quick hellos and some cheers…” or even “It’s close again in [battleground state].” Let’s try to be original.)

After debates, in which [candidate] looked strong, leaning on their base to rally support, and [other candidate] faltered before ultimately gaining ground, the polls have not budged much. [Candidate] came in with strong outside [the geographical location] funding, but [other candidate] has had a strong grassroots effort. The question may again come down to [?].

[Issue #1] has been a fulcrum for many voters, too.

“We know that voters want to hear about [issue #1],” said [party] spokesperson [probably a Susan?]. “The voters are fired up about making a change.”

But, [other party spokesperson] says that their proposal has had people more excited than ever.

“The [party mentioned first] has a lot of talk, they’ve talked a lot about changing things, but what are they going to do?” said [other party spokesperson] Randy Trenton. “The answer is nothing. They don’t know to make real change—they only know how to attack others.”

Many voters say they have had trouble investing in either campaign.

“It’s all so negative,” said one [old person]. “I want someone who will get something done.”

Many pollsters have said that [demographic group] could be the real decider of who is creating policy for [battleground state] over the next [# of years].

“It’s close, extremely close, and we’ve seen over and over that getting [certain demographic group] out to the polls is what determines the election,” said [nerd pollster, who looks like a total nerd]. “It all comes down to [demographic group].”

Within the campaigns, much of the talk centers around [national political issue not related to campaign].

“What people are really voting on is [national political issue not related to campaign],” said [party strategist who cannot speak on the record]. “And it’s just not something we knew we’d have to address, we thought this campaign would be about [issue #1, #2 or #3].”

“These [big issues] are about real people like [person candidate met to include in stump speech] and [other person candidate met to include in stump speech],” he said. “It can’t be just the same narrative and people every year, [battleground state] wants–no needs–a real change in leadership, a change in this long story of sameness.”

Great work, needs more obviously. We’ll keep adjusting before publishing. Also, did you see what Jim wore to work today? Seriously, it’s Friday but fuck me. Keep me updated on the story.