Vibrant Dining Hall Worker High On Life, Bath Salts


CHAPEL HILL, NC – Dining hall employee Vance Curton is known for having a good time on the job. Famous among student dining hall patrons for his verve and charisma, Curton comes into work every morning with a can-do attitude and bath salts coursing through his veins.

Early this Thursday, Curton was already excited.

“Vance wakes me up with his energy and charm every morning,” said Tyler Rodriguez, junior chemistry major, as he waited at Curton’s omelet station in Ram’s Head. “He cooks a killer breakfast.”

“No better start to the day than an omelet, right Eddie?” Curton yelled to Rodriguez, attempting to flip egg goop with his bare hands and laughing maniacally.

Burning his right hand on the griddle, Curton broke into song in an unknown tongue.

By 11:30 am, Curton was at the salad bar station for his usual lunch preparation routine. He fluffed up the lettuce, grabbed a mouthful of banana peppers, and then proceeded to pour the different dressings over the counter, mixing them up with his flaccid penis.

“Vance always saves some of his special sauce for me,” said sophomore Will Stilles. “Ever since I met him last year, I’ve looked forward to seeing his silly smile every time I grab lunch.”

As he watched Curton cheerfully packing up the salad bar at the end of the lunch rush, Ram’s Head manager Kevin Nillard couldn’t help but admire the bath salt-dependent 28 year-old’s enthusiasm for his job.

“He’s a goofball all right, but Vance really is the ideal employee,” Nillard said. “Whether he’s voluntarily scrubbing the friers with his head or joking around with the students, demanding that they give him $20, it’s obvious that he has something in him that pushes him the extra mile.”

Nillard was interrupted when Curton motioned him over to the salad bar and emitted a high pitched scream in his face for 10 seconds.

Around 5:00 pm, even the effervescent Curton was starting to slow down, but after a heaping helping of Cocoa Puffs and a quick trip to the bathroom to snort the contents of a Vanilla Sky bath salts packet, he had regained his pep. Curton spent the next four hours going from table to table, telling lewd jokes and vehemently exorcising demons from scores of adoring UNC students.

“He’s just always so happy and full of life with those dreamy bloodshot eyes,” said one delighted dining hall patron. “I just don’t know how he has the energy!”

By the end of his dinner shift at 8:00 pm, Curton’s bath salt-induced vigor was running low, but the irrepressible rascal was already looking to the future.

“I’m already dreading tomorrow,” he said sitting with his head in his hands, “but I need the money to buy the bath salts, because I can’t get through this job without them. It’s a real catch-22.”

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