Dear Man Who Just Ate at Armadillo Grill,

Recently, I’ve started to worry that my roommate might really be struggling with school. I rarely ever see her studying or going to the library and I know she sleeps through her classes pretty regularly. We were randomly assigned the room together, and we are still not super close. Is it my place to say anything? Is there anything I can do?

–  Abby

Abby, your concern for your roommate is valid, but the first step of being able to help her, if she wants to be helped, is to ask a few friendly questions and start for…

Wait… ughhh. Oh my—oh my god.

What the fuck. My stomach. No, wait. Just give me a second.

Uhghhhh. Oh no.

I really don’t want to stand up. Can someone get me some water?

I think I need to lie down for a second. Are those tacos hitting me already? I’m just going to the next question.

Dear Man Who Just Ate at Armadillo Grill, 

Over spring break, I’ll be seeing my high school sweetheart for the first time in five years. We recently reconnected on Facebook, and now I have plans to get drinks with her while we’re both at home. I feel like I never really got over this girl, but now she has a pretty serious boyfriend who goes to her school. Is this the right time to tell her how I feel? I don’t like being a home-wrecker, but I know I’ll regret it if I don’t say something.

– Jack

Jack, timing is rarely perfect, but…

Aghhhhh. Don’t touch me. Oh my God. What is happening to me? My stomach is not supposed to feel like this. It feels like Alien.

Ahhhhhhhhh. I paid $13 for three tacos and they’re eating me alive.

Don’t fucking touch me I’m serious. I need to go to the bathroom. I am not going to make it to the bathroom. My anus feels like it is going to erupt. It’s Mount Vesuvius in there, holy shit. How did I get talked into eating here again?

Just give me another question, just go.

Dear Man Who Just Ate at Armadillo Grill,

Things were going great with my boyfriend until last weekend when his mom offered to take me out for coffee. During our conversation, she mentioned that she would never “in a thousand years” allow her son to date a woman with tattoos. I have six tattoos on my back and side, none of which my boyfriend’s mom has ever seen. My boyfriend cares a lot about what his mom thinks and I’m scared that, if she finds out about my tattoos, she’ll convince him that I’m not “wife material.” Should I try to talk to her about it? It might be better if it comes from me, rather than someone else, but I’m not sure how to initiate that conversation.

– Emily

Emily, I think you know what…

No.

No, no, no, no, no. Oh my God, what is happening? WHY!? WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME!?

Get out of my way, I need to poop out my entire body.

I am a fucking idiot.