P.J. Hairston Excited To Dive Into Linguistics Minor


CHAPEL HILL, NC – Returning from winter break with a lighter load of extracurricular commitments, junior P.J. Hairston said that he is excited to delve deeper into the Linguistics department during the rest of his time at Chapel Hill.

“I just took the intro course on a whim my first semester thinking it would be an easy A, but I actually ended up really enjoying the discipline,” said Hairston. “Unfortunately, I was unable to take many classes because I got so busy with other stuff. Now that my schedule is a little less crazy, I can’t wait to take Phonetics & Phonology, and Linguistic Structuralism: Sources and Influences.”

“Who knows, maybe I will now even have time to do some sociolinguistics research for [Professor] Roberge,” added Hairston wistfully.

Professor Roberge spoke highly of Hairston. “It’s refreshing to see students who are here to learn,” he said.

Hairston, who came to college undecided with regard to his major, said that he has enjoyed the freedom that the College of Arts and Sciences has allowed him to explore a variety of disciplines. He added that he hopes this semester’s courses in linguistics are the latest step in a long and beautiful academic journey.

“Maybe I’ll even go to grad school,” mused Hairston. “All I know is that, whatever comes next, I don’t want to be just another pawn in the corporate system.”

Students Celebrate Start of Spring Semester by Hastily Half-Assing Winter Break Projects


CHAPEL HILL, NC— In keeping with treasured tradition, UNC students rang in the spring semester by rolling up their sleeves, silently cursing themselves, and half-assing the numerous projects that they had resolved to complete over winter break.

Like so many of her peers, UNC sophomore Tara Jennings had a bold agenda for her time off from school. Having planned to update bylaws, compile a detailed events calendar, and write a strategic plan for the Honors Co-Ed Environmental Service Fraternity of which she is co-president, Jennings emailed the club listserv about a yet-to-be-scheduled general interest meeting soon after unpacking in her Morrison dorm.

Her hall-mate Jeremy Yimrish could relate. Soon after finishing final exams in December, Yimrish announced his intention to spend winter break reading a variety of novels and memoirs “just for pleasure, like [he has] been meaning to do forever.” Yesterday afternoon, Yimrish reportedly skimmed the first 12 pages of Malcolm Gladwell’s latest book while sitting on the toilet.

For junior Timothy Benson, winter break held professional ambitions. In search of an internship for next summer, Benson had resolved to rewrite his resume, compose cover letters, and apply for approximately two dozen positions in the few weeks between semesters. Cracking an energy drink in the terminal of his flight back to Chapel Hill, Benson updated the GPA on the resume that he used when he applied to the business school and emailed a friend who got an internship last year to ask her for old cover letters.

“Most of these aren’t due until February, anyway,” Benson thought to himself as he boarded his flight.

Asked to weigh in on the annual kick-off to the spring semester, social anthropology professor Julius DeLillo criticized students for their reliably underwhelming fulfillment of winter break goals.

“Students need to stop kidding themselves about what they can get done over break,” DeLillo said. “Maybe with maturity, they’ll learn to stop procrastinating and do better work,” he added before turing back to his computer, highlighting several paragraphs of a colleague’s syllabus, and pressing ‘Command+C’ on his keyboard.

Study: Loveable Fuck-Ups from High School 42% More Depressing This Winter Break


The study found an increasing rate of depression induced by loveable fuck-ups, up by a record 42% this winter break

CHAPEL HILL, NC — A recent study by UNC-CH researchers published in The American Journal of Public Health found that loveable fuck-ups from high school were more depressing than ever this winter break, 42% more so than last year.

For the study, researchers interviewed UNC students who had returned to their hometowns for winter break. They concluded that, “more than every before, college students are realizing that their loveable fuck-up friends from high school are turning into just plain fuck-ups, a phenomenon that has led to greatly increased rates of depression among those surveyed.”

Tyler Havel, a sophomore biology major who participated in the study, said that, soon after returning home for the holidays and reconvening with high school friends, he was saddened to realize that the lovable fuck-up of his old peer group  “might actually end up one of those people who just never really gets it, just sort of floating around Greensboro. I knew it happened to people,” Havel said. “I guess I just hadn’t noticed that it had already happened to Rory [Scodale].”

“He was always fun,” added Havel, whom Scodale recently informed that he had dropped out of UNC-Wilmingtion and enrolled part-time at Guilford Technical Community College. “I mean, he smoked a lot of weed, but we all did. I just assumed things would work out for everybody.”

Havel’s story is common, said Henry Torato, lead author of the study.

“We found that loveable fuck-ups from high school have fucked up more than ever this year,” he said, “in ways that are starting to feel permanent.”

Torato also noted that, in addition to new acts of fucking up, “things that seemed fine in high school, like playing 20 hours of video games a week or owning more than one bong become really depressing when students realize that [loveable fuck-ups] are still living that way.”

Tim Yoda, a junior public policy major, said that the depressing aspects of his fuck-up friends’ behavior had not hit home until this year.

“We all used to do stupid stuff,” he said. “I just assumed we were all going to stop and get serious at some point. I mean we took all the same AP classes. Now Marcus [Chang] works at AutoZone and apparently has Monica Pavoretti pregnant with a kid. We tried to hang out when I got back into town, but I didn’t know what to say when he told me how things were going. What happened?”

Torato said his team is also investigating higher rates of friends coming back from college being out-of-touch, stuck-up douches.