CHAPEL HILL, NC – Contrary to first assumptions, the elderly man currently wandering in Polk Place, taking his time to stop at benches and sit for awhile, is not a professor and, instead, just an old man. The evolving situation has caused widespread confusion and panic.

The man was first sighted around 1 p.m., when freshman Jasmine Redding came across him near Dey Hall.

“He was walking towards the middle of the quad when I saw him. I assumed he was headed to his next class, but then he just stopped and looked up at the sky for awhile,” said Redding. “I wonder what he was thinking.”

The man is wearing a light brown sport coat, maybe tweed, maybe wool. Anonymous sources report that he is likely wearing a wedding ring, though that is still unconfirmed. He has a light head of hair and what appears to be a slight hunch. Height is speculated to be around 5’9″, though some sources report figures as high as 6’2″. No comment on weight has yet come in, though early ballpark estimations are in the 150-200 lb range with a pouch-like stomach.

The situation is still unfolding and reports are hard to confirm.

Some say they saw a man eating an egg salad sandwich on a bench for about twenty minutes, before finishing it off with a sip of water from his thermos, unable to fully chew the plain white bread. He then fuddled with the small bag, which had held the sandwich, crumpling it and putting it in his pocket, only to pick up his book on the history of Abraham Lincoln and slowly read it.

Those who saw the man said they thought the behavior seemed un-professor like, but that “maybe he’s just a lecturer or something, I guess I just wasn’t thinking about it. I just wanted to believe it was a professor.”

No one is sure what has led the man to campus.

“Maybe he’s lost,” said Oren Rufter, sophomore Biology major. “I just don’t know what he was thinking coming here and being old and not a professor. He was walking so slowly.”

Helicopters have circled the UNC campus for several hours after the man’s presence was first reported.

“We’ve got 30 SWAT, six snipers and an ATF squad on standby if he tries to pull anything,” said police chief Bradley Donovan, watching the man with hefty black binoculars. “There’s no reason an elderly man should be here, alone, in the middle of the day. Something doesn’t add up. He isn’t an old guy who teaches people about old stuff–he’s just some guy. What the fuck is happening down there!?”

Despite his sniper team’s urging to let them “take the shot”, Donovan is letting the situation unfold, and monitoring any potential changes.

The man was briefly approached by sophomore Hannah Ludgate, who pointedly asked him what he was doing on campus.

“No, I don’t need any help, thank you young lady,” the man replied, shakily waving her off before continuing to circle the Pit for the fifth time.

CHAPEL HILL, NC—In an historically tight election cycle that comes to an end today, [candidate]’s and [other candidate]’s long battle over [big issues, #1, #2, and #3,] ends. It’s been a closely watched election that could change the longterm trajectory of the [body of government].*

*NOTE: (Charles, can we get a stronger lede than this? Give me a snapshot of something like: “[Candidate] enters their [hometown polling location] to quick hellos and some cheers…” or even “It’s close again in [battleground state].” Let’s try to be original.)

After debates, in which [candidate] looked strong, leaning on their base to rally support, and [other candidate] faltered before ultimately gaining ground, the polls have not budged much. [Candidate] came in with strong outside [the geographical location] funding, but [other candidate] has had a strong grassroots effort. The question may again come down to [?].

[Issue #1] has been a fulcrum for many voters, too.

“We know that voters want to hear about [issue #1],” said [party] spokesperson [probably a Susan?]. “The voters are fired up about making a change.”

But, [other party spokesperson] says that their proposal has had people more excited than ever.

“The [party mentioned first] has a lot of talk, they’ve talked a lot about changing things, but what are they going to do?” said [other party spokesperson] Randy Trenton. “The answer is nothing. They don’t know to make real change—they only know how to attack others.”

Many voters say they have had trouble investing in either campaign.

“It’s all so negative,” said one [old person]. “I want someone who will get something done.”

Many pollsters have said that [demographic group] could be the real decider of who is creating policy for [battleground state] over the next [# of years].

“It’s close, extremely close, and we’ve seen over and over that getting [certain demographic group] out to the polls is what determines the election,” said [nerd pollster, who looks like a total nerd]. “It all comes down to [demographic group].”

Within the campaigns, much of the talk centers around [national political issue not related to campaign].

“What people are really voting on is [national political issue not related to campaign],” said [party strategist who cannot speak on the record]. “And it’s just not something we knew we’d have to address, we thought this campaign would be about [issue #1, #2 or #3].”

“These [big issues] are about real people like [person candidate met to include in stump speech] and [other person candidate met to include in stump speech],” he said. “It can’t be just the same narrative and people every year, [battleground state] wants–no needs–a real change in leadership, a change in this long story of sameness.”

Great work, needs more obviously. We’ll keep adjusting before publishing. Also, did you see what Jim wore to work today? Seriously, it’s Friday but fuck me. Keep me updated on the story.

DU pledges guarding Silent Sam

CHAPEL HILL, NC—The Delta Upsilon Fraternity (DU) at the University of North Carolina once again won a mixer with the Daughters of the Confederacy after their Fall pledge class spent last Monday night and Tuesday morning guarding Silent Sam, a memorial to students and alumni who fought in the Confederate Army during the American Civil War.

The mixer is held biannually by the Daughters of the Confederacy (DoC), inviting the fraternity whose pledges spend the most time guarding Silent Sam, a statue the Daughters of the Confederacy donated in 1913.

DU has long been committed to winning this “Lost Cause” mixer.

Every semester they order their pledges to spend twenty-four hours guarding the statue, which, like many of the buildings on McCorkle Place, commemorates soldiers and officers who fought to defend slavery.

“We really enjoy this event,” said fraternity president Chad Baker. “It lets us show our commitment to institutional racism and white privilege while mixing with a great group of girls. We don’t get invited to many mixers and the DoC, despite having an average age of 76, probably party even harder than us.”

The Daughters of the Confederacy were less enthusiastic about DU’s victory.

“I can’t say I wanted DU to win,” said Waverly Dupree, 83, president of the North Carolina chapter of the DoC, “but none of the respectable fraternities, like DKE and Beta, ever send their pledges.”

Sophonsiba Beauchamp, 78, the chapter secretary, concurred, “DU certainly isn’t the most racist fraternity at UNC, just the most desperate.”

Peter Evans, a brother at DU, had a similar take on the event: “If I got a bid to a better frat, even one like Sigma Chi, I wouldn’t need to prove I’m a racist by sleeping next to a statue dedicated to the saviors of ‘the Anglo-Saxon race in the South,’ I could just casually enjoy the benefits of centuries of accumulated privilege. But with DU it’s not that simple.”

“Plus, no matter how old they might be, I know this way I can get at least some girls to talk to me,” he added.

Other brothers, like Samuel Pierce, were less excited about the event.

“This event was probably more fun when my Dad did it. People back then didn’t seem to mind when fraternities uncritically celebrated the University’s involvement in centuries of violent oppression. Also, the daughters of the Confederacy were thirty years younger. But this is DU, so it’s not like we have better options,” he added.

The Daughters of the Confederacy were also disappointed by the surprising ethnic diversity of DU.

“We like to mix with fraternities that have strong North Carolina roots and traditional, Southern values,” said Emily Bascomb, 91, “that’s why we started the Silent Sam competition.”

Pledge Chair Alan Durr said he understood Bascomb’s complaints.

“We know we aren’t as white or as Southern as the good frats. Maybe that’s why we’re so committed to this racist pledge task,” he said.