CHAPEL HILL, NC–Cackling in grotesque delight, local witch Bloostery Graymalkin looked on from the occult realm of shadows as sophomore Michael Boswell yet again donned the Marshall High School Bulldogs Lacrosse hoodie to which he is bound through her evil curse.
Boswell incurred the witch’s fateful hex when, in a stormy and pernicious hour during his freshman orientation, he wandered onto the heath and came across Grakmalkin in midst of her infernal rites.
As the weird sister muttered darkly over her skin-bound grimoire and added to her cauldron “Adder’s fork, and blind-worm’s sting/Lizard’s leg, and owlet’s wing/A charm which trouble will bring,” she spied the wayward youth and turned her necromancy upon him.
“In cotton-poly artifact/of thy hurly-burly with laced wand done/be into manhood heedless clad,” the witch said, finishing her incantation.
She then wiped memory of the macabre encounter from Boswell’s mind and turned him back on his way, alighting into the night on her broomstick.
Boswell last played an actual game of lacrosse in the spring of 2013, when he had an assist in an 8-11 second-round loss to Western Guilford High School in the North Carolina High School Athletic Association 3A Men’s Lacrosse State Championship.
Even so, he has duly persisted in wearing his high school lacrosse sweatshirt–which has Marshall head coach Doug Watson’s motto “Tough-Tactical-Together” on the back–believing, under the influence of the witch’s darkest fairy familiars, that the garment conveys athleticism and likably signifies his hometown.
Speaking to reporters from her trysting place, wearing a pointed hat and draped in a ghoulish black shawl, Graymakin explained that Boswell’s curse falls well within the ill bodements and filthy trappings of her witchcraft.
“Making livestock ill, devouring lost children, inscribing runes, copulating with Hecate, untying winds and letting them fly against churches, and, of course, laying curses upon unsuspecting young wanderers–these are among my wicked occupations,” said the woman of strange and wild apparel, who, with withered fingers, skinny lips, and beard, resembled a creature of the other world. “What an excellent trap is a loose-fitting, dark blue, visibly pilled lacrosse hoodie that was new when LMFAO’s ‘Sexy and I Know It’ was popular.”
“Eee hee hee hee!” she added.
Sources close to the secret, black, and midnight hag say that the curse will likely last “stretching unto the crack of doom” or at least until Boswell gets a steady girlfriend who insists that he dress, if not like an adult, at least not literally as if he is still in high school.
It is thought that, aside from his dark impulsion to wear the sweatshirt, Boswell is otherwise allowed by the witch to “pay his breath to time and mortal custom,” although it is not clear whether keeping his hair in the same shaggy style as when he played high school lacrosse and spinning his keys on a long Warrior lanyard are residual effects of untimely witchcraft.
The preternatural woman’s curse is expected to evolve, impelling Boswell to wear a UNC sweatshirt to his office job for years after he graduates.