CHAPEL HILL, NC— In an unprecedented conservation effort, the town of Chapel Hill announced in a press conference last Tuesday that it will begin recycling the discarded hopes and dreams of its residents.
“People have been throwing away their hopes and dreams in Chapel Hill for years,” said Mayor Mark Kleinschmidt. “Now we are finally putting them to good use.”
Since the program’s inception, supporters have noted a decrease in dreams scattered along the sides of roads, windswept and decaying in the hot sun.
“Our town looks more beautiful than ever before,” said senior Emily Lewis, who was one of the first to collect and reuse dreams. “And you’d be amazed at the treasures people throw away. Just last week I found someone’s hopes of writing for the Daily Show. They fit my 17 year-old brother perfectly.”
The city plans to install recycling bins across campus and on Franklin Street in order to facilitate responsible dream disposal.
“Some of the more unusable dreams, such as playing in the NBA, are melted down and sold for scrap,” said town spokeswoman Barbara Rollins. “The more realistic ones are sanitized and put back out in the community for general use. We’re seeing good recidivism rates on these; most of them eventually end up with someone who holds on to them so fiercely that they take them to their grave, no matter how impossible they become.”
Fifty-eight year-old Lonnie McGraw, standing outside of a recycled hopes and dreams distribution center at the Chapel Hill homeless shelter where he has been living for the past several months, said he was grateful for what the new program had provided him.
“I haven’t had [hopes and dreams] since I can’t remember when,” McGraw said, proudly displaying the recycled ones he had been given. “But now all I care about is acing the MCAT next year so I can get into Johns Hopkins med school.
“I just hope my grandparents back in India think I’m doing well enough,” he added.
This initiative is not without its detractors. Kenan-Flagler Business School chair Don Walders spoke out against the program in a fiercely worded email to the town council.
“Once hopes and dreams have been thrown away, nobody’s got the right to dig them up again,” said Walders, whose hopes and dreams of being a lawyer were thrown angrily into a trash can along with a just-returned B minus paper outside a Policy 210 lecture twenty years ago. “Some things are better left alone, forgotten.
“Forgive me mom,” he said. “All I ever wanted was for you to be proud of me.”
Due to the initial success of the program, the town council has already approved plans to establish a program headquarters in the Steele Building, where students consistently abandon futures they imagined for themselves since childhood.
“I have so many unclaimed hopes and dreams just lying around in my office,” said advisor Hank Bradwell. “Funny thing is, I think I lost my own somewhere in here.”