CHAPEL HILL, NC–University of North Carolina undergraduate Business major Patrick Boeman told reporters Friday that he will spend most of his senior year fulfilling the Kenan-Flagler Business School’s alcoholism requirement. Boeman said that he expects be a mid- to high-functioning alcoholic before Spring Break of 2015, when all graduating seniors will be evaluated by their professors on their ability to drink recklessly and continuously.
“Kenan-Flagler knows the skills executives need to compete in today’s market, and they do everything they can to prepare us,” Boeman explained. “That’s why they put so much pressure on us to drink whenever possible.”
Boeman noted that it was hard to complete the alcoholism requirement during his first three years at Carolina because of his other academic obligations.
“I worked hard my freshman, sophomore and junior years,” he said. “I only went out three or four nights a week, and I rarely shotgunned beers. Sure, I learned how to puke and rally like a champ, but I still had a full schedule of school: like, twelve hours every semester. And they weren’t even all business classes. I had to take, like, Psych 101 or some bullshit. Sure, I abused alcohol, but I wasn’t dependent on it.”
Now that Boeman has received a return offer from UBS, where he interned this summer, he expects to be able to devote his full attention to becoming an alcoholic.
“I had a lot to drink this summer, but they let me know that I had to step up my game if I wanted to work there again,” he said. “I mean I only got beer with lunch like twice a week.”
For this year, Boeman has developed a ritual to help him lose the battle against alcoholism–the disease that will haunt him for most of his adult life–as quickly as possible. After class, which, for him, lasts from twelve thirty to three on Tuesdays and Thursdays, he sits in the parlor of his fraternity house sipping on a tumbler of scotch while browsing Facebook, The Wall Street Journal, and Pornhub.com. On Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays he opens a six pack to finish before dinner, which is accompanied by wine or beer, depending on the occasion.
Evenings are less structured, but arguably the most important part of Boeman’s nascent dependency–a core element of the Kenan-Flagler education. While Boeman, like the majority of his WASP classmates, will spend almost every weeknight of his middle age “unwinding” with bourbon or gin, the business school cares less about the exact nature of the alcohol and more about the dangerous quantities in which it should be consumed.
“Now that I’ve got an offer,” he said, “I don’t mind buying multiple rounds at TOPO or ordering Patron in La Res, but I still enjoy crushing a Four Loko with my fraternity brothers. I have to set a good example for the younger guys.”
Boeman, who is swiftly approaching the first of the three DUIs he will accumulate in his life, thinks that being an alcoholic will help him in the business world.
“Bars are great places for networking, so drinking a lot can help you make valuable connections,” he said. “It can also dull the spiritual emptiness of a lifetime in the finance industry. If you think about it, alcohol is always a good investment.”
Dr. Frederick Carrutheurs, Kenan-Flagler’s Dean of Undergraduate Curriculum, said Boeman’s outlook reflects what he hopes all students learn from the business school.
“The values we teach here at Kenan-Flagler last a lifetime,” he said.
Boeman noted happily that he has been drinking even more than he anticipated and may finish the graduation requirement before Winter Break.
“I got three or four fifths of whisky just to have in my room this semester, but I’ve already finished one,” he explained. “If I keep on this pace, I’ll drink about a fifth every eight days, and that’s just when I’m drinking alone in my room.”
When asked if he had any other goals at UNC, Boeman said that he’d like to find a girl he could blame for his alcoholism when their marriage fell apart in twenty-five years.