CHAPEL HILL, NC—Entering the restaurant jittery, bug eyed, and smirking, local anarchists descended upon the Franklin Street Chipotle last Monday, causing a minor disruption to the oppressing capitalist structure of the United States by refusing to follow the established order of Chipotle’s burrito line.
A wild-eyed Matt Green, president of the student anarchist club, the UNControllables, approached the Chipotle counter at approximately 6:35 pm Monday night and placed his visibly sweaty palms on the counter before ordering a half chicken, half barbacoa burrito. When asked whether he wanted white or brown rice, Green held eye contact with the Chiptole employee for a moment before replying, “green salsa and corn please,” then whispering “how do you like me now you corporate bitch?”
Angela Garten, the server at the time, looked at Green before sliding down the line, placing green salsa and corn onto the tortilla, then returning to her previous position in the serving station and asking, “white or brown rice?”
Green ordered white rice and extra black beans.
“Only time you’ll let those colors mixing in here, you fascists,” said the Greensboro native.
Mayhem escalated as the remaining anarchists, who had anxiously but politely waited their turn, reached the counter.
Josh Trainer, a philosophy major and treasurer of the UNControllables, added cheese between each step of the burrito-making process, white knuckles gripping a worn and dog-eared edition of William Godwin’s classic tract, An Enquiry Concerning Political Justice.
Paying for his burrito with a combination of nickles and pennies, Trainer loudly encouraged the cashier to “send the fucking dogs if you don’t like it.”
Aaron Silver, whose black curly hair hung in greasy mats over the back of an UNControllables 2013-2014 club t-shirt that read “This is not a club sanctioned by the university,” caused further delay when he interrupted his order to ask the other young anarchists if they wanted a side of chips.
“Will anyone want to split them with me?” he asked his co-revolutionaries. “I don’t want to get them if nobody else wants them.”
The organization’s social chair, Samantha Roberts, elected not to press the small button labeled “Water” as she filled her cup from the lemonade dispenser, mouthing “stop me” at the cashier as lemonade spilled over her shaking hands.
After several sips, Roberts returned to the counter to order a Peach Izze.
The group, whose assault on Chipotle slowed the line for an estimated five to ten minutes, spent $64.73 before taxes.
Bad attempt at comedy.
bad attempt at saving face