Junior Stops Experiencing After Completion of One-Page Resume

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CHAPEL HILL, NC — Sitting silently and as still as possible, Hannah Nietzon, a junior business major, began not having any new experiences after completing her one page resume earlier this morning.

After adding her recent volunteer work at a Chapel Hill elementary school to the ‘Experiences’ section of her resume, filling it to the point that she was able remove the last of her high school achievements, Nietzon spent the rest of the day alternating her gaze between an electrical outlet, the wood of her desk and the wall.

To stop from experiencing boredom, Nietzon occasionally drew straight lines down a piece of paper.

“I think the experiences she has on her resume reflect exactly who potential employers want her to be,” said friend Claire Traut after Nietzon refused to be interviewed, fearful that it might constitute a new experience. “She has everything she needs–from volunteering to an internship with a consulting firm–so at this point, she can’t risk experiencing anything less marketable.”

Until her resume needs to be updated, Nietzon is expected to divide her time between attending class, running on the club cross-country team, volunteering with kids, standing motionless, and working with Students for Education Reform (SFER), the organization with which she helped launch a book drive last spring.

“Every child in Orange County be able to follow their passion for learning beyond the classroom,” she the woman trying to make herself dormant. “We know that a passion for education drives learning–not just doing what you are told to complete, but caring about learning something new everyday.”

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