Election 2014: John Kerry, The Veteran

Today, we profile student body president candidate John Kerry.


Secretary of State John Kerry is no stranger to the world of politics. Most thought that Kerry’s presidential aspirations died along with his 2004 campaign, but he has shown the world different by emerging as a contender for student body president at UNC.

“My time as the Secretary of State for the Obama Administration has shown me that I have the right skills to lead the student body,” Kerry said in a speech last Thursday. “UNC needs a leader who knows how to get things done.”

Kerry has dedicated his campaign to reforming Carolina Dining Services, an issue that other candidates have yet to address. His platform focuses on a program he calls the Perfectly Accessible Cafeteria (PAC).

“PAC will redefine the university dining experience,” said Kerry at a press conference last week. “Lenoir is the heart of this University. A stronger dining hall is a stronger UNC.”

Every Tuesday and Thursday, Kerry has camped out in the Top of Lenoir Dining Hall, asking students for their opinions on the election’s key issues.

“Secretary Kerry and I spoke for 45 minutes about the possible addition of Frosted Flakes to Lenoir’s cereal lineup,” said Sophomore German major Andrew Pollack. “I posted that suggestion to the Napkin Talks Board months ago. It’s refreshing to see a candidate who cares that much, I guess.”

Though Secretary Kerry’s personal approach to politics has been well-received by students, he failed to secure the expected endorsement of the UNC Young Democrats (YD), who have raised concerns over the sustainability of his campaign model.

“Secretary Kerry spends $11.50, multiple times per day, to enter Top of Lenoir Dining Hall,” Wilson Parker, YD President, told club members at the YD debate last Monday. “There’s just no way he can keep that up.”

During his campaign, Kerry divided his time between speaking with CDS staff members and addressing Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s recent attack on the State Department for ignoring Israel’s security needs.

“It’s a balancing act,” Senator Kerry told supporters at a rally in Carrboro on Wednesday. “But my heart is at UNC and this is where you’ll find me.”

Senator Kerry has emphasized his national relevance as a key point of distinction between himself and his opposing candidates, including Andrew Powell, whose demeanor and appearance have been described as similar to Kerry’s.

When asked about this resemblance, Kerry responded, “Andrew Powell never served in Vietnam.”

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