Alarm Section Of iPhone A Wasteland Of Malaise

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CHAPEL HILL, NC–Bearing alarms at odd times strewn across all hours of the day, the alarm section of senior English major Marcell Dodd’s iPhone is a wasteland of malaise, sources reported Monday.

“Dude what the hell are all these alarms?” asked Dodd’s friend Brian Mitchell, who had borrowed his phone to time a take-home exam. “4:45 am? You have three different alarms for two in the afternoon. Are you okay?”

Dodd explained that between writing midterm papers, DJing an early morning shift at WXYC, working on a senior thesis, and filling out job applications, his schedule was hectic and often unpredictable.

“I delete all my alarms every now and then,” he said, neglecting to mention the deep, sick tiredness in which his existence is awash. “I guess I need to do that again soon.”

At press time, Dodd was headed home to get to bed by 2:15 am, giving himself four and a half hours of sleep so he could finish a paper by 9:00 am and then take a 45-minute nap before his 10:00 am class.