CHAPEL HILL, NC—According to gruesome reports coming from Campus Health officials, the process of quarantining South Campus has begun after a massive outbreak of Carolina Fever.
The disease, currently experiencing its largest outbreak in history, has no cure and is spreading quickly from urban hotspots like Hinton James to rural dorms like Hardin and Hinton.
“We’ve seen some cases of Carolina Fever in the past, especially on South Campus where barriers to entry are so low,” said Trevor Grent, a doctor specializing in communicable diseases. “However, nothing has prepared the global health community for an outbreak of this size. Health officials have no other solution than to simply contain this deadly fever and quarantine the area.”
The origin of the outbreak is still somewhat unknown, but the first reported case came from freshman Ian Landers, who began showing symptoms during last Friday’s soccer game.
“Practically his whole body was covered in this light blue color, and he started babbling incoherently and waving his arms in the air,” said witness Bridget Trummel. “The next thing I knew, he had grabbed me by the shoulders, screaming the Carolina fight song as he shook me from side to side. He was totally consumed by the fever.”
Landers suite in Hinton James was quarantined as soon as Campus Health officials caught word of the outbreak. By the next morning, all of Hinton James was sealed off from the rest of campus.
Though the quarantine appears so far to be effective, social norms within South Campus have been changing rapidly, fueled by alcohol, the desperation of the infected, and attempted escapes by uninfected individuals.
“Inside [Hinton James], the situation is rapidly devolving into a primitive martial system based on something chillingly referred to as ‘Fever points,'” said campus health official Charles Tagnee.
While the outbreak has plagued most of South Campus, some communities have remained unharmed.
“Ram’s Village and Odum Village seem to somehow be avoiding the outbreak entirely, as their neighboring communities are scourged,” said Grent. “We are not yet sure why this is occurring, but some have hypothesized that, because they are all athletes, these communities may have a natural immunity to the disease.”
Campus health officials have suggested suspending all athletic events in order to combat Carolina Fever, but there are still concerns over the effects of detaining those wracked by the disease. For the moment, officials advise all students to stay aware and report fever-like symptoms.
“If you find yourself blindly believing that Carolina athletics are worth devoting all your time to, get yourself checked out,” said Department of Public Health representative Samuel Franklin. “We’ve found that freshmen are particularly susceptible to [Carolina] Fever, as are Exercise and Sport Science majors.”
Pre-health upperclassman have begun organizing teams to go into the infected area and aid in any way possible.
“We know we can do so much to help these people,” said Christina Stafford, a pre-health and psychology major. “And yes, it doesn’t hurt the resume to be doing volunteer work in such an impoverished area.”
Stafford says that the outbreak could have been easily contained if South Campus had the proper facilities.
“It’s just impossible to contain any outbreak of [Carolina] Fever in this area,” said Stafford. “What are these kids going to do? They don’t know it is a waste. They don’t know about all the legitimate opportunities on campus to be actively involved. They don’t have anything else to do but go to sporting events. These are mainly freshmen! They need our help.”
Fortunately, officials say, no cases of Carolina Fever have advanced to the stage of Tar Heel Madness, an advanced and often fatal catatonic state punctuated by organ failure, internal bleeding, and hallucinations in which the UNC football team manages to win an ACC championship.
Representative Franklin has assured Chapel Hill residents that, if the quarantine is enforced, the worst may already over. But despite containment efforts, reports of manic school spirit have been made as far north as Carmichael. The fever, however, has yet to cross to North Campus.
“I’m not worried about catching that shit,” said junior and Connor resident Chuck Walters. “It’s all the way across South Road. It might as well be in West Africa or something.”
This is unbelievably tacky at a time when thousands of people are currently dying from one of the most terrifying plagues in human history and many of our students face uncertain futures for their homes and families. There is a difference between sharp wit and insensitive tone deafness.
While you’re at it, why don’t you talk about the C.I.V. the Carolina Immunodeficiency Virus.
Or how you plan to declare jihad on Duke after you establish the Islamic State of Chapel Hill…
harden up pls