CHAPEL HILL, NC — Clutching his head and moaning for “some fucking Advil,” Dustin Phillips, sophomore Geology major, pretended to be hungover over breakfast this morning when discussing the events of Halloween.
“I was still drunk when I woke up this morning,” lied Phillips, who took four shots over two hours last night. “And my head is fucking throbbing this morning, but so worth it. Last night was crazy.”
Tanner Mayes, a friend of Phillips who attended the breakfast, said Phillips often recants stories of his raucous nights out with “his other friends.”
“Sounded like another one of his crazy nights,” said Mayes of the man who spent Halloween walking around Franklin Street in a banana suit and went to bed around 12:30 am. “Supposedly he got into some wild shit; doing keg stands at Beta and hanging out with the basketball team or something.”
“Today’s going to be rough as hell,” chuckled Phillips, who got 7 restful hours of sleep, “but it was a night I’ll never forget. Not that I remember much. So blackout man.”
Beta didn’t even have a party. This is just not credible at all